Project Sweet Pea

July and just another challenging day in the life of a parent

2007-07-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

It's July and a significant month at that. Our 3rd wedding anniversary falls on the same day as Ian turning 16 months, Ian's grandparents have finally come home from a 3 month long absence, and we're halfway into the year 2007. The past month has brought about a fair amount of changes - neighbour has moved away, colleagues who tendered their resignations, and as for me, a boss who has very much upped the ante again and now expects 101% thorough work, and "2 steps ahead, always".

Hearing this makes me feel tired, and not the least bit motivated. Throw in the glum look I get from Ian on weekday mornings and his "weekends with Mummy and Daddy let us not waste precious time" behaviour and I pretty much end up asking myself again why is it that I'm not making myself and my son happy by staying home. We spent quality time together this weekend - he loves it when I carry him to the supermarket or for walks along Strathmore Avenue, even if it's just to look at birds flying. Of course to him nothing beats a trip to the East Coast, but it's another form of joy for him and somehow I feel guilty as to why I can only do this with him on weekends. I realise he's growing up fast and is more aware of these things now because somehow I can read it in his expressions and moods. In a way, going to work is a lot harder too because he learnt that some goodbyes are tougher to make than others.

But is my staying home better for him? With dual income our financial position is comfortable and we're on track to saving for his future. So to stop work is not the most practical thing although the temptation is always there for some reason. Maybe what is best is a job with flexi-work arrangements. But please, this is Singapore the land of increasing competitiveness and mounting bills. Flexi-work is like taking 30% of time off work and also taking 30% of your previous pay home. Life sucks sometimes because you can only have one or the other and both are equally important. And either option comes with its full set of sucky issues.

Oh well, just another challenging day in the life of a parent.

Ian's date with Keona

2007-06-03T13:00:00.000+08:00

Ah another update on the lovebirds.

Keona stopped by our place last weekend and it was interesting watching them. Ian actually went a bit ga-ga by her presence, but nevertheless enjoyed her brief company. I think she's more receptive to him now (maybe resigned even?) since she didn't have the look of disgust this time round when he planted her a full goodbye kiss on the lips at the door.

Both went to nap quite happily after that.

Just this morning we met Keo at NTUC. A real princess she is, next to our little restless prince.

Ian's First Steps

2007-06-03T12:35:00.001+08:00

Ian took his first tentative steps about 2 weeks back, and he's a more confident walker now, even though on some days, it's a real challenge getting him to wear his shoes.

Happy we got this on film!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRwaMyiGBEQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLRZGAcrv4U

Hold your breath everybody...

2007-05-14T12:22:00.000+08:00

I held mine - my little Sweetpea took his first steps yesterday.
(Video akan datang)

Making progress...

2007-04-30T11:09:00.000+08:00

Update: The kids met again last weekend and Ian presented 'Na-Na' with a green apple. She accepted, and allowed him a kiss on the lips.

I don't know what will happen from here.
------------------------------------------------------------------

2 friends are expecting kids early next year. Hiak hiak hiak, so the fun begins for them.

Hiak hiak hiak.

Muak, muak, MUAAAK!

2007-04-28T09:35:00.000+08:00

To me, where we live is something special. Maybe it's the big beautiful trees that line Strathmore Avenue, or the open field across the road that's play ground for birds and kite-flying activities. Maybe it's the NTUC Supermarket that's 2 minutes' walk away, or maybe I simply love the tranquil of the neighbourhood.

For Ian, it's probably all of the above plus a 12 month old little girl who lives on the 4th floor. Named Kyona or known as 'Na-na' to him, she charmed her way into our little boy's heart, just by her presence. They first met at the playground downstairs, and he was awed by her ability to walk independently, and by her free spirit. He was somewhat drawn to her, and she created an impression.

They didn't meet for some time after, until last week outside the supermarket.

And boy did he miss her! He chuckled happily, reached out for her not once, not twice, but three times to kiss her on the arm. She was overwhelmed and looked harassed because according to her mummy Jo, she's been eyeing a ride on the supermarket trolley, and not expecting to be 'waylaid' by an eager beaver who, unlike her fresh and clean self, was on his way up for a bath.

I was quite taken aback from all this really, because I didn't expect my little boy to be doing something like this so soon and well Ken is just 'proud and embarrassed' at the same time, but more proud than the latter of course. Just serves to remind me that as much as my little boy loves me, he'll love a girl of his generation more ardently in time to come.

At 13 months.

I love the slide, weeeee!

2007-04-13T12:20:00.000+08:00

A new member of the household

2007-04-08T00:37:00.000+08:00

We are now officially one of the seven households in Singapore who has hired a maid.

Economically, it makes sense. It's not that expensive to maintain a maid every month, and the key advantage is that with a domestic helper to take care of the practical aspects like housekeeping, it frees up time to do more important things. In our case, the maid plays a more vital role - she is also responsible for looking after Ian while we are at work. Of course we’ve heard about the horror stories, but I don't think we have much of a choice. And neither do the other ones in seven households. And it's the same on the flip side of it - these ladies don't have much of a choice in striving for a better life for their families, except to work here.

At first we considered sending Ian to infant care. But after reconsidering, a maid is still the preferred route, as everyone at home agrees that Ian thrives better under/will not survive without personalised care. After three unlucky misses, we finally got ourselves an Indonesian lady whom we think is mature and responsible enough to carry out her duties, and be a part of the household for the next two years. I'm just worried that Ian wouldn't take to her. Either way I know my son, and he's not the easiest kid to take care of. The Man and I shared a thought - of all the horror stories we've heard about maids, maybe this one will throw in the towel and have her share of horror stories to tell about Ian. Who knows?

Anyhow it's a great relief that it's finally been settled. Notwithstanding the fact that it's not the end of the world, but it's very stressful when it comes to having to source for a good caregiver for Ian, and especially during a time when it's peak season at work.

Fortunately I've been able to take leave this week to spend some time with Ian, and I must say that it's tiring no doubt, but rather enjoyable. We've settled into a routine and these few days I really relish the quality time that we got to spend together at the playground, the supermarket, the park and even IKEA. Of course occasional whims of doing this full time did flash across my mind and it is tempting at times - especially the freedom, I love the freedom! - but in time, all in good time.

Meanwhile my little one has developed new patterns once more. What's in fashion currently is the 'shake your head' syndrome, first meaning
But cuteness and all, I wonder where he got his really feisty temper from...

It'll pass, like they all do

2007-03-31T11:33:00.000+08:00

Life is a delicate balance between opposites - you can't have too much or too little of anything; you can't have too much or too little of perspectives; and you can't have too much or too little of change. Too little of all will deprive you and too much of all can wear you down. The paradox of it is that in striving to achieve that balance itself, can deprive AND wear you down. Years from now when you read this Ian, you'll know there were times mummy and daddy felt worn. Rather worn. But nothing changes - we still love and want the best for you, even if it doesn't always involve the easiest decisions to make.

Coming to 13 months and we have to seek alternative childcare arrangements for him. Thankfully he's had a good year under his grandparents' care, but it's time to move on. Everyday I'd walk a fine line and ask myself - am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what's best for him? Am I making the best decision? Some are more clear-cut but most are not. A full day childcare centre has many positive aspects, but equally negative aspects too. A nanny offers no better assurances, let alone a maid. Maybe my brother is right - without priorities, we go round in circles, never getting anywhere. The circle keeps getting bigger, and harder to keep in place.

We don't always have the luxury of time, but things could be worse. We don't always make the right choices, but unlike others we still have limited options. I feel like I'm abandoning him, but he may relish the freedom. I wish we could escape to a new world, but I may never find the courage to. If only things wouldn't change so often, but then otherwise we wouldn't have gained what we have today.

I'm worn, but it'll pass like they all do.

Is that a strand of white hair?!?!?!?!

2007-03-23T11:52:00.000+08:00

Sigh.

Happy 1st Birthday, Ian!

2007-03-12T16:45:00.000+08:00

Here's some pictures from the actual day itself, and the small gathering we had last Saturday at our place. I had a great time, I hope Ian did too.

<-- Ian's birthday on the 6th of March 2007

Family photo ~ Aaaaa, you're One! --->

<--- His Choo Choo Train cake from Coffee Bean which we took great pains to keep intact

Birthday deco ala 80's style. --->

<--- A chip off the old block.

I hope he enjoyed himself! --->

Ten things we love about Ian

2007-02-28T09:35:00.000+08:00

It's the 100th post for Project Sweet Pea, and with his first birthday coming up, it's the ideal time to pen down our ten greatest loves of Ian, traits that make him the great kid that he is.

1. His wake up calls - start the day with a healthy dose of smackings on your face

2. His crawl - technically a half crawl, his technique is so versatile and knee-friendly, we wonder why we didn't think of it in the first place

3. His cute bum - they look as good as Hawthorne the crab's

4. His social appetite - from Tom, Dick and Harry to the neighbours' doggies, everybody loves everybody

5. His sense of irony - after a loud yell, he does the Ian hush

6. His cheeky whims - from nose scringes to saliva-sprayings to lip-pursings to smug-I-wins, he's got them all. Oh and his little 'goldfingers'

7. His innate curiosity and sense of adventure - what happens if you grab daddy's (big) nose...?

8. His laugh - it dissipates today's worries and brightens tomorrow's promises

9. His burrowings at night - to remind us that after a long day, nothing beats a warm cuddle in bed

10. His heart, body, mind and soul - it's what makes him always our little Sweet Pea

Bottom Right: Over 11 months (19th February 2007)

Top Left: At birth (6th March 2006)

Chinese New Year 2007

2007-02-16T15:34:00.000+08:00

Dearest Ian,

How are you today? I hope it's another nice day in our little paradise...this time last year, Mummy was writing to you while you were in my womb, and as I look into your big round eyes I wonder in amazement at the year just past and how far we've all come. For you, in the last 11 months you have discovered your fingers and toes; learnt to roll, sit, crawl, stand and now cruise, learnt about the many beautiful things in this world we live in, and learnt to trust us, your family, to protect and nurture you for all time. For Mummy and Daddy, we've both come to accept and love you as an integral part of our lives and in our understanding of what's truly important. In many ways we have grown, and Mummy is really happy. :)

As promised in our thoughts last year, we are prepared with a cute red outfit for you on the first day of the lunar new year, and yes, Daddy will be home to parade you around proudly for red packets. Mummy has full confidence that you'll be giving your best toothy grins over the long weekend!

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Tian Tian Gen Ai Ni.

Love,
Mummy

The Protege

2007-02-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

When Ian's Dad was a kid, he once demonstrated to his grandmother at her home that he could make a prata with egg with his bare hands. With real eggs and imaginary dough on an ordinary table top.

I'm not sure she was altogether thrilled with the clean-up.

We brought Ian out for breakfast last Saturday morning and got a seat directly in front of the roti-prata stall. Prata man was hard at work, and so was our little Ian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fb01Ps5qrjU

There's a kind of hush...

2007-02-05T15:18:00.000+08:00

The Ian Hush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7EWbgUrecI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFm5kRlEkKw

Did he just say...

2007-01-31T14:30:00.000+08:00

Date: Wednesday, 31 January 2007.
Time: 830am.
Venue: Along Lorong H, Telok Kurau Road.
Setting: Beautiful morning. Standing outside gate of house across the lane saying hello to cute beagle.
Object of attention: Medium-sized scruffy-looking brown and black siamese-looking kitty cat with floppy left ear hiding next to dustbin.

Ian said: 'Mao'!

Ian's Latest Trick

2007-01-30T17:40:00.000+08:00

My baby has attained another milestone.

He crawls to the edge of the coffee table, with his little hand reaching for the table top he pulls himself to a standing position and grins. He then proceeds to bang on the table demanding to be seen and acknowledged, decides if he's in the mood to walk (still somewhat gingerly) along the length of the table using it as a support and finishes off the demonstration by slowly lowering himself to a squatting position, and crawling away.

That's really cool.

Where's My Daddy??

2007-01-23T17:31:00.000+08:00

This is Ian's Daddy. Better than Mommy in many ways best known to us.
Thank you Daddy, you make Mommy a better person than she is.

Aaaaaaaaa....You're the ONNNNNE!

2007-01-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

Months ago we started teaching Ian how to sign 'GOOD!', with the thumbs up. So when the food's yummy, we go, 'Good?' and up pops the thumb in tandem. He'll then stare at us, stare at the thumb, and one day, he managed to do 'Good' on his own.

Of late the thumb disappeared, replaced by a pointy forefinger. My guess is that he picked it up during one of our storybook sessions, when I was enthusiastically (and repeatedly) pointing at the different animals on the page. Somehow he finds that really cool and picked up on it as a multi-purpose tool - a sign to tell us where he wants to go, a means to reach out and touch (ET style) and lastly his way of saying 'Goodie!'.

So it brings much amusement to us all everytime he whips out that finger, and smiles cheekily. To me, it's like my son telling me 'Mommy, you're my number ONE!'

Speaking of one, he's going to turn One soon. And Mommy here has been talking about planning his party, which till now, is still in the let-me-sit-down-and plan stage. Where to buy his 3D cake, which caterer to go for, the invitation cards, the RSVPs...I should really be starting work on it now.

Hopefully it'll be good enough for him and his finger. :)

The one with the ice cream

2007-01-03T17:36:00.000+08:00

For the first time...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBRL6D7vXeY

Then a close second...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVMKPPwa2uk

He loves soups!

2007-01-03T15:24:00.000+08:00

Ian had his first taste of pork rib and potato soup, as well as chicken soup over the weekend. He really wanted to keep going at it, even after the bowl was empty.

It was THAT good.

2007 and Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T15:52:00.000+08:00

Time is not only elusive, it is also scary.

The last mental timecheck I had, was in early November, after a tiring spate of work just the month before. Of course work got worse so the rest of November was essentially a blur, and December literally just flew by. It's true that with a kid, your days become shorter, the eyebags grow deeper, but somewhere within the heart grows fonder. And Ian seemed to have grown up overnight, on track towards developing into his fullest potential in being the cheekiest kid around. He is increasingly aware of his surroundings and the people around him, including animals such as birds, cats, dogs, and even dragonflies. He has also begun to challenge us in his 'not-so innocent' ways as he grows a lot more assertive these days and therefore relatively harder to handle compared to the earlier months. A 'paragon of virtue' as he is, he is no sea of calm and serenity unlike other babies we've seen. Instead he is akin to a rising tsunami, excited at everything and anything that is new and interesting, and in the process threatening to overwhelm his tired parents as we struggle to keep him in check. Ladies and gentlemen, my son is indeed a force to be reckoned with.

But time also delivers on its promises, and brings with it a wave of happiness as hoped for. Ian spent his first Christmas with us, laid eyes (and hands) on the Christmas tree that got his pregnant mommy all excited the year before, and has a smile so sweet it beats a million megawatts and more. We particularly love those days when we took him out to the park and sat on a swing; those days when we gave him the first taste of ice cream, and days when he just gets all excited hanging out at the malls with his mommy and daddy. It's hard not to smile when he pouts, it's harder not to cring when he cries. He's a dash of naughty, a handful of cheeky, and a lot of sacharrine - all in all, just plain adorable!

My new year resolution for 2007 is really to achieve a better balance of our lives, between time at work, with the extended family, between ourselves and that of Ian. Daddy Ken also says Mommy should be more tolerant and understanding of Ian, and not scold him at all. I will try. Seriously.

Ian probably knows that everybody loves him plenty, but Mommy just wants to say that deep down she is very grateful to Ian for bringing out the heartiest laughs ever seen by Ah Gong and Ah Ma, for being that essential person in building ties that bind among the family, and for being that special individual (Mommy suspects he's really an adult in spirit) that he is.

Happy new year and may 2007 be as fulfilling, if not more, than in 2006.

Superbed-ledge sweep!

2006-10-30T11:19:00.000+08:00

I remember this program called 'Supermarket Sweep', in which contestants had to grab whatever they can within the stipulated time and if the items checked out hits the highest value you win everything in the trolley!

Ian has been doing some 'superbed-ledge sweep' of his own. Since 7 and a half months he's been able to pull himself up to a standing position on the bed either from all fours or from a sitting position, and within seconds my chuckling little mischief reaches, grabs, and sweeps everything in sight off the ledge. Nothing is out of reach - no such thing as too far on the left or right. He just gamely makes his way along the ledge towards it. And chuckling throughout, I might add.

'Hiak, hiak, hiak, ready or not, here I come!' - whoosh!

I know he enjoys it tremendously despite getting painful bumps on his little forehead at times since he's still a bit wobbly, because it doesn't deter him from doing it over and over again, even before bedtime. Somehow he manages to get around things we try to put in place - Dim lights - check, bottle of milk - check, nice and warm temp - check, on bed - check, but noooo people, little one's got other ideas.

Imagine the day when he graduates to doing this from the ground. From the real supermarket.

Did I also mention my little one is potentially armed and dangerous? Rub him the wrong way and he can claw you with all 10 fingers, and sink his 2 teeny teeth with gusto into the most sensitive spots you never knew were so vulnerable. Such beguiling toothy grins they have.

Eh, 180-pounder? No problem.

Megawatt smile

2006-10-08T17:19:00.000+08:00

God's gift indeed.

When they say it's bad, it can't be good

2006-10-08T16:34:00.000+08:00

When a friend of ours warned us from the start that a baby's poop is 'damn smelly', we thought to ourselves - 'that bad meh?'

It's THAT bad.

In fact, it's VERY bad. Ever since we introduced Ian to solids, the smell from his poop could literally knock someone out cold. Gone are the days where we had breastmilk-poop that was not only bearable, it actually smelt harmless. Sure poops smells have varying grades - from the mild to the severe, but this is way beyond severe. We're talking about catastrophic levels, licenced to kill, lethal XXX nuclear holocaust scale. Like radioactivity, the aftereffects takes some time to go away and just a small whiff of it at the start triggers a brainwave that screams 'run, ruuuuun!!'

Of course, resistance is futile. Someone has to clean up the mess.

Moral of the story - when they say it's bad, it can't be good.

Ya do the hokey pokey...

2006-09-27T15:02:00.000+08:00

It's official - Incy Wincy has gone the way of the dodo.

The flavour of the month, the mighty spider has now lost its sparkle with Ian. It's now peek-a-boo, the Hokey-pokey song (Ya put your left hand in....) and banging. Lots of banging. And gnawing.

Thumbs for gnawing, anyone?

Incy Wincy Spider...

2006-08-30T12:13:00.000+08:00

...climbed up the water spout.
Down came the rain,
and washed the spider out!
Out came the sun,
and dried up all the rain.
Incy Wincy Spider,
climbed up the spout again!

This is Ian's favourite song... when combined with the cute finger movements that we've all learnt as children, it never fails to elicit the sweetest smile from him. Am glad it strikes a chord in him because of the intrinsic message that dear Incy Wincy embodies - never give up even in times of adversity.

At this point, it's also a great ally in overcoming periods of fussing during diaper changes.

All hail Incy Wincy!

One, two, turn!

2006-08-18T09:35:00.000+08:00

Of late my little puppy has reached another development milestone, and proud as we all are, we get worried at times at the new behavioural changes it brings. Being encouraging parents we heap tonnes of praise upon him, which he responds through an eagerness (even conscientiousness) to demonstrate that feat to all of us. So far so good. However it disrupts his sleep (and ours as a result) when we find him turning in the middle of the night, only to whine because he hasn't mastered the art of turning back.

Ian is also increasingly aware of his surroundings, and keenly observing the things we do in an attempt to emulate. For example when we type onto the keyboard of our laptop, he reaches out for it too. When we flip the papers, he tries to as well. But the best act is when we're having our meals and attracted by the colours of the food, he subconsciously starts to chew like us! I believe he already knows what a spoon and fork is for, and in time we'll need to bring out his very own special set alongside ours.

Like his father, my little one has developed a mind of his own at this stage. He knows exactly what he wants, and how to get it. His body language effectively conveys what words cannot and we find ourselves saying to him 'Oh you want to be carried this way', 'You want us to go in that direction' or when he's curious about something that caught his attention which we picked up, we find ourselves explaining to him what it is. All in all, it's a pretty fun time now! Even though there's still the night wakes and his boundless energy to cope with, the way ahead is up!

It's never easy to say goodbye

2006-08-11T15:04:00.000+08:00

Today's my last day here at Credit Suisse, and some part of me cannot believe that I'm about to leave this place behind - this place that started out with so little but ended up with so much. I still recall the first day I stepped into the cold premises here at Changi Business Park - it felt like another planet entirely, with the vast greenery and glass panelled facades of its buildings (IBM, Honeywell, Applied Materials and The Signature). We soon grew to dread the isolation, the lousy food downstairs, the dead earthworms and snails that litter the unsheltered muddy walkway on rainy days during our mandatory trek to and from the Expo station. We grew resentful of the boredom, and that made us increasingly unhappy as the days went by. To maintain our sanity we started a log of quirky events ala Friends style (e.g. the one with the headless chicken) and deluded ourselves about landing a sitcom deal, we pasted Mojojo's picture on the cream coloured wafer-thin walls, and we read Shakespeare. We humoured ourselves with Shaun the baldie and the beer guy, and rewarded ourselves with Spinelli's at IBM. We watched the tiny tots at play from the childcare center beneath, and complained about crappy masala tea at $1.50 per teeny cup served by the lady that looked like she hadn't slept in ages. There was a time when we had to walk 5 minutes just to get to the loo, didn't know anybody except Jennifer, and only knew of lifeforms outside our little room via the legs that strutted across.

As the trees swayed and time passed, one by one we all left, all but one. We even lost our room with a view - how relentless it can be these wheels of change!

A 3 month hiatus and I return to Changi Business Park once more. A very different CBP, for the earthworms and snails have mysteriously gone, and suddenly yet inevitably, I find myself in love with the tranquil and serenity that I hadn't noticed before. By now what remains of old is but the memory of good company and the Amba spirit, a legacy that is known by those who knew and worked with us. Within these walls nothing of the past is recognisable, but the surroundings whisper a familiarity that gives me peace and welcomes me home.

So what will I miss? The small but sweet friendships made along the way, the room that Ian spent growing in my tummy, the breakout area on the 4th floor that makes others envious, the comfy nursing room, the pool, heck even the toilets!! There's so much to miss here, it's so hard to say goodbye. Perhaps it's just hard to say goodbye to an old life, and as I look back with amazement at this place - the place that started out with so little but ended with so much, I can say to myself, in the end it was good for me, and I'm happy.

As the music fades, the last of the pack leaves the old room, with many many treasures for keeps.

Project Sweet Pea turns 1

2006-08-04T14:36:00.000+08:00

It's been exactly a year since my initiation post. Tatty bear turns 5, giraffe turns 2, and Ian turns 5 months.

And 28 I'll be in another month.

TGIF!

Ode to love

2006-08-03T14:31:00.000+08:00

There's a popular chinese saying that goes - 'Wen4 Shi4 Jian1, Qing2 Wei2 He2 Wu4'? which asks the world at large, what is love?

Love that brings joy as much as it does pain,
Love that brings the sunshine, as much as it does rain
Love that liberates, as much as it does bind,
Love that comes easy, others hard to find.
Love that is fleeting as much as is eternal,
Love that make us human, just as we turn devils.

What is love? How to love?
Who are love's bedfellows?
Tolerance and patience, compromise and trust,
Or jealousy and envy, rage and lust?
Who is love's nemesis?
Perhaps love itself.
Love like a weapon, or a shield of wealth.
Can love be measured and judged by thee
Left or right for all to see?
Love is around us, but so is hate.
In wispy twirls they surround our fates
What is love's true form, so cleverly disguised?
Only unravelled in the eyes of the wise.

To love or not love we seek to be
Tormented souls in forfeit eternally.

Ian Alphonsus' Singapore passport!

2006-07-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

It's in red (his favourite colour at present) and should be ready for collection next week. Valid for 5 years, it entitles him to worldwide travel, all expenses paid. Another paranoia project brought to you by the Seows, who happened to read Nostradamus' prophecies of WW3. As long as it's not Armaggeddon, we could escape to New Zealand if things get rough.

That all too familiar road...

2006-07-11T10:02:00.000+08:00

I've just recently resumed surfing the singapore motherhood.com website, which has a very informative forum page made up of contributions by mothers seeking solace, stress relief, and advice to the endless issues that crops up in the course of parenthood. Upon reading some of the entries which I've read previously and that date as far back as 2003, they seem to more close to home now than it did when Ian was still in my tummy. Especially topics like difficulties encountered during breastfeeding, the necessary hourly latch-ons to stimulate supply resulting in immense fatigue during in the first month, lack of support and insensitivity of the people around you... it's all too familiar. Am really relieved that that trying period is over, and as I look back I recall the many words of encouragement from my wise husband - '...this period will pass, and weeks down the road you'll look back with a sense of pride that you did it despite the odds...'.

When things fall apart and times get hard I've always picked up the pieces on my own, but I'm glad that he is around to accompany me across one of my greatest hurdles. He is right in the end of course, and I hope that for many of the women out there, they would as lucky as I am to have someone get across theirs.

Thank you very much, my dear.

I love you today more than I did..yesterday

2006-07-07T17:10:00.000+08:00

When Daddy's with Mummy
He'd never fail to say
'I love you today,
More than I did yesterday.'

On days which were tough
and it never seem enough
But I'd love you today
More than I did yesterday

When you had your first pout,
Smiled and laughed out loud,
I love you today
More than I did yesterday

4 months old what fun!
To my precious little son
I love you today
More than I did yesterday

My title of Mummy...

2006-06-27T12:37:00.000+08:00

It's funny how interpersonal relationships change when you have a kid. Despite seeing the same faces at work everyday for the past 2 years, they are more keen in knowing more about my son than they do about me. They know his name to be Ian, but not my name to be Marilyn. Not unlike how banks start getting interested in your higher pay packet and start offering you platinum and titanium cards by invitation despite having banked with them almost a decade ago.

Leads me to conclude that apart from being a good conversation motivator, it is parenthood, not just music and football, that transcends barriers. We wear the same lifelong badge, go through the same challenges, make the same sacrifices, and reap the same rewards. There is hardly anyone in the world (not even yourself sometimes) that fully knows who you are, why you feel this way as an individual, and even as a couple it carries a unique personality of its own that no other couple can replicate. But donning the hat of a parent automatically connects you to so many others whom you can share a similar emphatic bond with from day one - people who will walk through the various stages of parenting until the day they cease to live, the way their parents did for them, and the generation before that.

I've been told on a few occasions on the path our children take in their process of growing up. They start off solely dependent on you for food and stimulation, upon full physical mobility progress to mental exploratory pursuits that begin with 'Why, why, why?', only to have them move on to an advanced module of debatory 'why can't I do this?' and 'why should I do this?' years later, hopefully to end off with 'I now know why and what I must do'. Somehow I understand what they're saying, and what I will have to go through to get to the end point. Verbal exchanges between parents involves innuendos that only unravel themselves in the minds of the right audience, in a way that had never occurred to me previously, only now. And they lie quietly behind those 'Is it a boy or a girl' and 'what's his name' questions, carrying faint sketches of the rites of passage that lay ahead.

Ah my coming of age.

Reflections...

2006-06-19T12:59:00.000+08:00

My significant other remarked to me just over the weekend, that he's never been more tired, but he's also never been happier. And behind these words lies many recollections of days past, of milestones achieved, and many many emotions that can't be put into words.

Making decisions has also never been more difficult. What could have been decided upon previously without batting an eyelid is now subjected to so many conflicting issues, it's so much easier not having to make the decision at all. As it is, my lovely home is only stayed in on weekends, and any decision made to travel or do anything at all involves thinking about all the possible reasons justifying that particular action, and projecting what are the possible ramifications that could occur. I think the rate in which my brain cells replenish themselves is far less than those I kill off from all these 'strategising'. No wonder I mistook WTO for WHO last week.

Just rattling a few things off my head, there's the need to childproof the house, the plan to slowly wean Ian off breastfeeding (which ironically he and I have both come to enjoy after weeks and weeks of torture), the need to re-look at our insurance coverages, institute a savings plan for him...and possibly the worse, make a decision about my career. For someone who has only been in the workforce the past 6 years, my career hasn't really taken off (then again it didn't crash so that's a good thing), and I found myself wondering if I could ever bring it up to greater heights. Now with Ian, the dilemma is even greater should a work opportunity arise but would mean less time spent with him. Is being there to see his first step more important than career progression and bringing home more disposable income? I so dislike crossroads.

Sometimes I feel like a string that's always taut, being pulled in many directions. And that time is a elusive commodity that I can never get enough of. As much as I am happy and grateful with what I have I also feel sad over the loss of personal time, of time with Kenneth, of time with my parents and family, of time with friends, precious time of which I have traded in exchange for financial security and to some extent a sense of self-actualization; yet without them will also not do. Maybe the solution is to keep re-learning how to better manage my time with every stage in life, and to just try my best.

Is that enough though? Only time will tell.

An unusually rainy June

2006-06-14T17:11:00.000+08:00

It's supposed to be the driest month in the year, but somehow it's raining half the time. Back to work, it's a nice feeling saying hi to those stationed here at Changi. We may not have said more than a few sentences to each other and know one another by face than by name, but it warms my heart knowing that in some way, I was missed and welcomed back. Ironic considering almost 2 years earlier working at Changi was a nightmare, now it just feels like home.

Maybe it's because I have Ian, and everything changes...

June beckons and...

2006-05-21T15:28:00.000+08:00

I'LL MISS IAN AND I DUN WANNA GO BACK TO WORK!!!! :((

May, already?!

2006-05-12T21:38:00.000+08:00

It's the month of May and my maternity leave is almost over. Mixed feelings about heading back to work, because it is nice not to have to travel over an hour just to head into office, yet at the same time taking care of Ian on a bad day means a gruelling 24-hour job with hardly any rest. However I will be returning to a different Changi, since my chummy colleague Thilan who has seen the best and worse of me during my pregnancy and days before that would have left, leaving me, the last of the original 4 Nelson scions to reminisce about the glorious days past. We grew closer over the course of the last year or so, since Ewil Jan started the ball rolling by announcing her departure, followed by good ole Chamath, and now it's his turn to say goodbye. Yes, despite having dealt with life's possibly greatest change over the last 9 weeks, heading back to work to a new face is one change too many. It's a lose-lose situation - heading back to work means I will definitely miss my son, and did I also mention 3 months worth of work to catch up on? Pain, so much pain...

Oh why won't he sleep on his own?!

2006-04-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

Every parent's nightmare - the endless rocking, cajoling, humming, singing, bouncing, pleading... do this in the wee hours of the morning for 7 nights straight and you'll probably stone the next person who asks you when you're gonna have the next kid.

Slowly getting the hang of it...

2006-04-16T10:38:00.000+08:00

It's a funny feeling when one feels time passes by so slowly, yet it is already mid-April, almost a month and a half since being in the delivery suite. All 3 of us have grown in our own ways - us as we grow to accept our role and responsibilities as parents and strive to be better at it; kiddo as he grows day by day, worming into our hearts with his smiles and gazes. Time seems to have split into 2 dimensions - the time that passes within our household, and the time that passes along with the world outside our window.

More than a week since our confinement nanny left for home, we have undertook the task of caring for Ian and running the household full time by ourselves. The fatigue gets to us sometimes, and frustrations show up more easily when he consumes almost 100% of our energies, leaving no personal time and space. In my utter devotion I have not read the papers the past week and at times even struggle to find time to do the 'bare necessities'. Yeah there have been good days, and then there are the not so good days too. We just try to take it in our stride and think positive. Sometimes I seek solace in the challenges we've overcome to date - the delivery itself, the difficulties of breastfeeding, the blues and discomfort in the confinement month, learning the ropes on looking after Ian, tackling problems after nanny's departure, implementing a doable routine, and battling the demons of resentment and resignation over how our comfortable lives have been turned on its head ever since we've had Ian. I'm sure every parent goes through these trials and have had to make sacrifices, but again, no one will ever tell you how painful it can get sometimes, maybe because it reflects badly on you as a parent, or that words do not adequately convey one's mixed emotions, or perhaps true understanding can only come when you become a parent yourself. Nevertheless I'll never allow myself to forget that he is a gift that no one else more privileged would have, and that most importantly a part of us will always live in him - the physical and emotional traits he carries with him through his life and beyond, a testament of our love for each other.

Many friends who've had kids tell me to enjoy every moment while it lasts because they just grow too fast and it marks their progression from baby to toddlerhood all too fleeting. Sometimes I think I know what they mean, because there is nothing sweeter at this point than Ian's first smile, or his first coo, which in time will seem insignificant compared to other developments. 'That is life really,' says a friend, with reference to progressing through and dealing with the challenges each stage of life brings. Maybe he was waiting for me to reply on the little rewards that show up every now and then as well that makes it all worthwhile.

Motherhood - The wild ride down...

2006-03-25T10:44:00.000+08:00

3 weeks into motherhood and I am glad the first month is almost over... If delivering a baby is hard work then caring for him and particularly breastfeeding for the first time takes a herculean effort that's worthy of a medal, a plaque, a sell-out book and an annual paid homage all rolled into one. People and books extoll the benefits of breast milk and how it promotes bonding et cetera et cetera with a brief mention of how 'most mothers give it up'. But no one said anything about the physical pain especially in the initial stages, breastfeeding related problems like mastitis and clogged milk ducts if one is not vigilant or ignorant about draining the breast of milk every 3 hours, the endless fatigue and frustration if baby takes forever or refuses to finish his feed from the breast... in short, there is bound to be blood, lots of sweat, and tears to get it going and not give up. Homecoming from the hospital felt foreign as well - the lovely home we left at 9pm on Sunday night was largely untouched but felt so different a week later, as if someone did something to it and it was no longer what it was, or that I was entering it from another dimension. Ken felt it too and we didn't like what it did to us - it made us feel unsettled, insecure and somewhat vulnerable for the first time.

But perhaps the most significant impact that contributes to the blues is the realisation that restraints are inevitably part and parcel of our lives moving forward. Not only have I lost the freedom to go wherever I wish, I am bound by a rigorous 3 hour schedule that comprises my eating, Ian's feeding, breast pumping of leftover milk, and catching whatever rest I can afford before the next cycle begins again. It's groundhog 3 hours which isn't intellectually as demanding as the workplace, but a lot more draining, both physically and mentally. To top it all off, the pressure of knowing the child is 100% dependent on you to keep the routine going no matter what makes it so overwhelming there were times I thought I would break.

It's hard to stay positive in trying times like these and with the support of friends, Kenneth and a good confinement nanny I managed to get by so far. But like all trials it usually gets better, and with patience and a greater understanding of Ian's personality I hope in no time the joys of motherhood will start to numb the pangs. What goes up must come down, and what comes down will invariably go up... just have to hang in there, like they all say...

Ian Alphonsus 'Sweet Pea' Seow

2006-03-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

Words cannot adequately describe how I felt when I first laid eyes on my darling Ian, otherwise known to all as Sweet Pea. He isn't exactly what I had imagined, (which was really Ken's face in a baby's body) but as he let out his first cry and I spied his little right hand reaching upwards to grab a piece of his yellow swaddled towel over his frowny face, I was sold. He is indeed my little Sweet Pea, and thankfully he is now here with us.

I hadn't expected him to arrive as early as he did on 6th March 2006. But fortunately we had settled all the major things, and made the key decisions by then. The only thing we left out was to clean his container-full of new clothing, which we thought was a little too early and too gan jiong. So certain in my hunch that he would be born close to my brother's birthday that I actually thought the start of my contractions on late Sunday morning the 5th was Braxton Hicks. 'Oh so it feels like menstrual cramps.' I had thought. Only that it was exactly LIKE menstrual cramps where it came in waves, and in a frequency of about 15-20 minutes which got me worried. Somehow intuitively I knew it's supposed to be more random, but dismissed it anyway as there wasn't anything else that indicated to me that I was about to go into labour. It was not until dinner when the pain progressed from stomach cramps to lower back pain, that good ole' 'What to expect when you're expecting' told me I should give the hospital a call. And even then we were in denial - hand in hand with nothing but our wallets and cellphone and dressed in comfortable sleepwear, we made our way to the hospital, our minds made up that Dr Tan would just laugh it off, call me paranoid and send me home.

Only that that did not happen. Most probably work stress 2 weeks prior induced my labour. After changing into a hospital robe and taking my weight (72 kilos - I had put on 15 kilos in the end!) Dr Tan certified that my cervix had dilated by 1 cm and that I had begun the first stages of labour. For the record, she was as surprised as I was, but next thing I knew my blood was taken, I was tagged, and left in the labour room to listen to the deep breathings of another preggy shielded by a curtain a few feet away, and another who came in with a messy water-bag break. It promised to be a long night, and although the pain was increasing, I was fueled by adrenaline from a mix of excitement and disbelief. Ken appeared calm although I knew like me he was trying to come to terms with what's about to take place and Ewil Jan was in shock as well. At that point all I needed to do really, was to address the most important thing left outstanding on my to-do list - to mentally prepare myself for a major transition, as threads of our old life that we had gotten so comfortable with since our marriage almost 2 years ago makes way for a life with Sweet Pea. It is a bittersweet feeling, knowing that some things will forever be changed and one can only hope that the new one would be better than the old.

And so it was an awfully long and agonising Monday, as the contractions came relentlessly every 2 minutes or so and the pain kept us both up the entire night. I kept seeing the face of my yoga instructor, whose voice was ringing in my head going '1,2,3,4', and to 'breathe through the pain'. Funny how I once thought having my mother with me in the delivery room was ideal...in the end no one did it better than Ken, whose presence alone gave me the much needed comfort and reassurance that no matter what he would be there with me. We danced to Frank Sinatra when the pain got unbearable, we played cards whereby luck always favoured me, and we both waited for the time to pass that would bring us closer to having Sweet Pea with us.

The hour before his delivery was whirlwind. With my mind partially dulled by the effects of the entonox gas and pedthedine jabs I barely remember feeling a gush of water as my water bag broke, incredible restraint to fight against the overwhelming urge to bear down, and 3 hard pushes before I saw Ian emerge. It all ended in a great adrenaline rush of relief and before I knew it I had the midwife Joelynn carry my little son into my arms.

My first words to him were 'Hi there...'

I think Baby, therefore I am...

2006-02-21T09:53:00.000+08:00

Mother nature sure has its way of prepping a mother for motherhood. It's not just physical aspects of it (i.e. fat stores, swollen breasts, hormones and super elastic skin) but to some extent, the mental and sleep faculties as well. Maybe it's coincidence, or maybe I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should, but I've noticed a distinct pattern where I would wake up in the middle of the night (approx 2-3am) with a very unsettled tummy, and wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep unless I'm tanked up with some food. It's not a middle of night craving thing - it's a clockwork gastric lurking in the shadows, threatening to flare up and it's not the most welcoming of things.

Perhaps I should cut out the fruit intake at 9pm. Then again perhaps it's perfectly normal at this stage, but now I do understand how a baby feels when he wakes up in the middle of the night with an empty tummy. Not the most fun thing to wake up to. So either nature is tuning my emphatic senses to that of my baby's so that we mothers don't hold it against our poor hungry child for nightfeeds, or I'm simply so intuned with my child that I am turning into one. Either way, waking up at night now is so normal for me (it used to be no-go in the past!) that it reminds me about how seemingly difficult and daunting things will eventually regulate to normalcy.

35 weeks today and all report checks done yesterday have passed with flying colours. Weight gain 'under control', BP 'good', and no sugar in the urine! What a relief! But as I pass the 70 kilo threshold, I can no longer delude myself about the fat pads around my body - the arms, the bum, the waist, my face... Ken keeps reminding me how fortunate I am to be blessed with my height and that it could've been worse, but I have seriously not gone this far before with my weight and I sometimes feel like the marshmellow (wo)man amid all those thin, buttless women with their chic bags and pointy heels in City Hall.

But Sweet Pea, I've got you babe! And that's all that really matters.

Happy Valentine's!

2006-02-14T10:36:00.000+08:00

It is Valentine's Day today, and 34 weeks for Sweet Pea. In maybe 17 years' time he'll be buying overpriced stalks of roses, or teddy bears or dinners for pretty girls in school, all in the spirit of (puppy) love and youthful romance. He'll probably tell us about how that special girl he met, that special aura she has, and the special feeling she evokes in him, and just how special it all is. He'll offer to carry her books, wait for her patiently in the mornings for bus rides to school and after class for bus rides home. They'll go to the movies, for walks in the parks, hang out at teen joints, and maybe still make the effort to write nice letters and cards to each other for keeps.

Maybe he'll ask me why girls are so complicated sometimes, why girls just can't say what they mean so that he doesn't need to keep guessing what she really wants. Maybe he'll ask his Daddy about the way to a girl's heart, to keep the competition at bay. Maybe one day he'll cry to nurse a broken heart; maybe one day his girl will cry to nurse hers. But hopefully he'll know that all but one will come and go, and that the one for keeps will be more than special, more than roses, teddy bears, cards or expensive dinners.

A union of 2 hearts, 2 minds and 2 souls - Happy Valentine's Day, my dear!

Updated Baby Registry Part 2

2006-02-09T10:24:00.000+08:00

Key changes - secured infant car seat and crib mobile on loan, and playpen is no longer taken!

Please mind the platform gap...

2006-02-09T08:58:00.000+08:00

This had been debated in the forum pages of the Straits Times sometime last year, and I did mention briefly about it in my earlier posting (See 'This little Saint gave up a seat, that little vermin didn't!' on November 11 2005) so it's nothing new really. But considering that I had read it before I got pregnant with Sweet Pea and being the size that I am now at 33 weeks, this is probably the most apt time for a mention. After all, no issue becomes really relevant to one until he/she is sitting in that boat, or in this case, riding in that train.

Are Singaporeans obliged to give up their seats to preggies or the older folk in public commute? Using the MRT as an example, with signs on designated seats that are 'encouraged' to be given up to 'those who need it more', if we are a society with people who are raised with the right set of moral values, it will not pose an issue at all - people will automatically and most willingly give up their seats. But we live in an imperfect world, and with it comes a set of realistic expectations. Moreover Singapore is also a non-welfare state, with a bred mindset that you pay for what you get. Hence for me, riding on public transport and getting comfy in the process is never a right - if it's there for the taking you take it; if it's not, just too bad.

Perhaps it is thus, and that I've never had someone stand up for me, much less that vehemently before, that I couldn't help but feel a certain degree of embarrassment when a valiant Indian man came to my rescue on my train commute to work last friday. He was berating at those who 'cannot read the sign', those who are 'obviously blind' and recalling the mix of people in that particular cabin within a metre's radius of me, I think it was targeted more at the women. I got a seat in the end when he alerted me to someone behind who had gotten up to disembark from the train but that didn't make me feel like a million bucks. At first I thought - whatever happened to the confident, outspoken, assertive old me? I would've given up my seat without hesitation previously, and would speak up for others at times that I deem necessary, yet now being on the other side of the fence I seem uncomfortable accepting someone else's graciousness, especially if it came after a seemingly booming chiding voice that resonated throughout in a subdued morning train ride. Daddy Ken was also caught by surprise but was all praise for the man whose gracious intentions are noteworthy of. Of course I was appreciative and thanked him profusely, but Daddy Ken also knows my preferred approach in this kinda thing - I will gladly accept a kind volunteered offer, but I will get a little upset if he yells at someone in public in exchange for a grudging seat offer when all we have to do is wait for another 3 stops and half the commuters get off. I know it upsets him as well when people (especially supposedly more sensitive empathic women) don't give way at escalators or staircases but I prefer the option to exercise assertiveness on my part as well - I will ask for a seat if I feel unwell, I will give someone a piece of my mind if I am on the receiving end of unreasonable behaviour but I am not prepared to champion the cause of the right to a seat on an MRT train for all pregnant women as yet. If courtesy campaigns are as old as I am, what does it say about old habits and mindsets?

What will I teach Sweet Pea though? Practising the right moral values, a man's chivalry, and the right approach in when it comes to the choice in asserting one's beliefs upon the actions of others. It is nice to make the world a better place but do it with tact, and perhaps a touch of class.

But before doing that, I currently have my darling jebbing me everyday, while in my dreams asking coolly not to be put on childcare and for breast milk while I fumble for the lactation consultant. Fortunately the former is mitigated by my kind mother-in-law who is prepared to sacrifice her job (hopefully not her sanity) in raising Sweet pea full time after my maternity leave, which I am very much grateful for. As for the latter, we have 5 weeks till full term before it becomes a reality!

ps: Loke, the friend whose pregnancy is a month before mine, has delivered a baby boy last night. Tick tock, tick tock..who's next in line? :)

Updated Baby Registry!

2006-02-07T13:39:00.000+08:00

Wow a few items have been taken off the list already! :) Please note the change in retailer for the Owell Bodycare thermometer..it's not available at Guardian Pharmacy as previously stated but only at Owell Bodycare outlets at either Sim Lim Square, Toa Payoh Hub or IMM. Have included a website address for the detailed address.

Daddy's first appearance with the BABY REGISTRY!

2006-02-05T11:16:00.000+08:00

Hi all,

After much deliberation and procrastination, Sweet Pea's baby registry is finally ready! Many thanks to friends and relatives who have asked us over the past few weeks for items that we needed in order to get a useful and special gift for our precious little boy. We really appreciate it!

Do give us a call as to which item(s) you would like to take off the list. Have included cost estimates for some of the items as well as detailed description of the item and the retailing outlet which we hope will be helpful and make shopping more hassle free!

Would be posting fresh updates periodically based on items taken off the list. But if you somehow end up missing this this time round, no worries, there's always the next! Ke ke ke. :)

Once again, a big thank you to all.

Love,

Ken, Maril and Sweet Pea.

ps: those wise crack statements in description are courtesy of the daddy-to-be. Just for the record. :)

I am running out of public holidays...

2006-02-01T10:45:00.000+08:00

As expected, 3 days of Chinese New Year and 4 days of the long weekend flew by just like that. But it was nice in a way - got to play a round of mahjong till my feet swelled up from prolonged sitting (and I won! I am getting good at this, no?), got to eat good food at Mum and Dad's, had good company...I guess it's what CNY is all about - taking it easy and trying to have some fun. The only thing I didn't get to do which I wish Ken and I did was to head to the beach and sit there sipping coffee and cakes. Would've been cool. Would've felt like a lovers' date again.

But no worries, the festivities are far from over..there's dinner with the ewil twin tomorrow night, dinner at Bro's this sat with the Yu Sheng (which I can't eat for the first time - boo hoo), and I guess come next weekend on the 15th day of CNY there may be a gathering at the FIL's place along with his birthday celebrations. So no need to freak out yet, there are still events to look forward to and to distract my mind from the BIG day. Although we all know I am running out of events and public holidays, I'll worry about it when we get there. In over a week's time.

ps: Happy 8 months, Sweet Pea! Mommy will see you on ultrascan again this friday! :)

Blistering Barnacles! I see stretch marks!!!

2006-01-27T12:06:00.000+08:00

They appeared out of nowhere since the beginning of the week. Located somewhat obscurely round the side along the edge of my low-waist pants, It looked like those pressure imprints made by tight-fitting clothing that disappear within minutes of loosening them. But no, they didn't go away - they stayed, turning a deeper red against my pink skin with each passing second, and now that they look like tiny bruises, it finally dawned on me what they are.

Stretch marks. So it has begun.

I let out a silent scream. I have not been vigilant enough. But no matter, there is still hope. From now onwards, I'm lathering a whole lot of cream around my belly, for it has presented itself to be the weak link. Although I am somewhat upset, there is nothing pineapple tarts and love letters can't fix.

Not to mention the post-natal stretch mark reducing cream I already bought...

Preggy photo-shot!

2006-01-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

Sweet pea, this is Mommy at work taken by Uncle Thilan on her new Nokia phone. Mommy wanted to take more pictures of us but Daddy's been busy and we tend to forget how time passes so quickly day by day. Well this is when I'm carrying you at 31 weeks (almost 8 months). The best compliment I've had from Mommy's friends is that we look cute (and a lot of it is thanks to you!). Daddy's got his thumbs up too and I am starting to agree. Hee.

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Tian Tian Ai Ni...

2006-01-24T10:44:00.000+08:00

Dearest Sweet Pea,

How are you today? Hope it's another nice day in your little paradise...you'd probably know by now as well that we are in the final trimester, which explains why Mommy squirms and makes weird noises whenever you rub against her tickle spots. Mommy likes it when you do that really, because it tells me that you're ok, and maybe you're trying to have some fun in there. I reckon there's still time (and space) to get comfy and swim around a little bit more till end of next month, so make full use of it!

Mommy's starting to imagine how you'll look like, and that maybe you're a bit of a shy and a cheeky boy rolled into one. I particularly love the secret bond that only you and I share, and the look of mock frustration on Daddy's face when your swift little kicks seem to elude his attention almost all the time. Chinese New Year is just round the corner, and I wonder if you can tell by hearing the loud Chinese festive music that drives your Daddy up the wall, or Mommy pestering Daddy to buy a 'Fu' sign to be pasted on our main door, or have huge red lanterns hung in the house. But I think you'll be able to tell it's Chinese New Year with the delicious mandarin oranges, love letters and pineapple tarts that Mommy has started on these few days. I know you'll like them, so don't worry, there's more to come this long weekend!

For some reason Mommy and Daddy are thinking far ahead in next year's Chinese New Year, where we can dress you up in that cute red romper and hat and then Daddy will undoubtedly parade you around soliciting politely for red packets. Ohh you'll get big ones for sure...just remember the magic formula - smile!

I suspect I won't be able to get much of the house decorated nor play any festive music, so Mommy will just be saying 'Gong Xi Fa Cai, Tian Tian Ai Ni' to you repeatedly this weekend. Now let's go for our swim!

Love,
Mommy

Sweet Pea at 30 weeks and rolling...

2006-01-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

The decorations are kept, the Christmas tree has moved into the storeroom, the antenatal classes are completed and it's the big THREE-O (weeks) today. Wow. I can hardly believe in less than 2 weeks' time it'll be Chinese New Year, and then it'll be a relatively short February before having to start packing my hospital bag. Wow. We spend 15 years in school training up to be economically viable slaves and 12 hours in a crash-course on how to become a parent.

At 1.44 kg as of last friday's checkup, we the proud parents-to-be are switching to higher gear now, catching up on required reading, and making lists of what we have to do/managed to procrastinate till to date. Daddy Ken is busy making notes on the different scenarios of labour onset and what to do in each circumstance, while Mommy has made plans to work from town come February when work stress will hit the roof with full year financial results and 16 models to update. On a brighter note, she'll be closer to key support groups - family, friends, and shopping.

A long to-do list aside, January promises to be a fun month. Even Sweet Pea seems to be having fun rolling about inside. At least, that's what I think! Just like the once impending Xmas season, the now impending CNY season is starting to fuel some small measure of excitement within. Maybe it's the shopping I got to do last week (oooh clothes, bags, shoes, and a new handphone!) or the growing realisation that we'll soon be holding our bundle of love in our arms and be forever changed by it.

On a heavier note, I am now 67.2 kg as of friday afternoon, 3pm. So I only have a window of 5 kg to play around with until delivery date. Which means I have to time and limit consumption of favourite goodies during the festive season. Which means I need to breathe deeply and focus my mind on other calorie-free or better still calorie-burning activities. Oh goodie.

Countdown: 7-10 weeks to EDD

Sun cot mattress, wipe cot, wash bedding and other cloth items
Buy baby necessities on list
Buy changing table, additional storage and night lamp
Arrange all items in Sweet Pea's room
Pack hospital bag and documents
Sweet Pea's official names!
Plan of route map to hospital and list of what-to-dos for family during labour
Flash cards in case words prove to be too much during pain
Funny uncensored unedited video clips as pain relief and comfort
Mommy's private moments before doing nature's work

Then there's the list for CNY:

Countdown: <2>

Wash curtains and new clothes
Buy oranges and stock up on food
Ang paos, ang paos!
Decorate the house tastefully so that Ken won't faint

Taking stock and moving swiftly along...

2006-01-12T10:18:00.000+08:00

The decorations are kept, the Christmas tree has moved into the storeroom, the antenatal classes are completed, I can no longer travel come this saturday, and it's the big THREE-O (weeks) come next week. Wow. I can hardly believe in 2 weeks' time it'll be Chinese New Year, and then it'll be a relatively short February before having to start packing my hospital bag. Wow. We spend 15 years in school training up to be economically viable slaves and 12 hours in a crash-course on how to become a parent. Our life priorities are indeed in the right direction.

Meanwhile amid this wet gloomy weather, I am still basking in the bliss of having shopped over the weekend. Once again, shopping proves to be the most effective therapy. I have got to find a job in the city once more.

Baby registry coming up!

Excitement + Fear + Courage = Impending Motherhood

2006-01-05T11:23:00.000+08:00

Despite looking at myself everyday, it caught us by genuine surprise when it hit home that my tummy has grown somewhat overnight. Just over Christmas it seemed more of a honeydew, and now it looks and feels like a watermelon. That's what the comfort of the 2nd trimester does to you - it makes you actually enjoy being pregnant and forget the anxieties for a while, even have enough humour to see the lighter side of things. Apart from collecting crumbs and sauce stains, for the first time I can support a soup bowl with my tummy! Look ma, no hands, no hands!

Though the broken sleep, slackened agility (i.e. greater clumsiness) and increasing loss of appetite once more marks the passing of the 2nd into the 3rd, I am starting to feel a hodgepodge of emotions within me. Upon reflection, I have progressed from the initial 'no it can't be!' disbelief, to 'ok this green bile juice I just spewed is normal, I can do this' grit, through 'hey I'm starting to enjoy this' honeymoon, to arrive at 'Gasp, I am going to be a mother- I hope Sweet Pea is well I am not crushing him am i?- Ok I have to walk more carefully to protect my precious son- Oh I hope breastfeeding isn't that bad- What if I can't push enough?!?!...' state. Sweet Pea and I have certainly walked longer than a mile together. To sum it succinctly, it's 30% excitement, 30% fear (of which 10% could be paranoia), 20% courage (Come ON! I've empowered myself with preggy books and I can do it!) and 20% miscellaneous (clumsiness, forgetfulness, blurness, gas...).

Above all, I'm just looking forward to cradling my precious son in my arms... sure part of that 30% fear is about not being able to adjust to a new routine and not being a good parent, compounded by the list of outstanding to-do items at the back of my brain - His birth name, his caretaker, the other 70% of his shopping list, washing his new belongings - all that does not even come close to the urge to hold him and shower him with the love and undivided attention I can muster. As the EDD date draws closer I pray that all will go smoothly, that he will be well and healthy... That's all I want at this point really, and I hope no matter how tough my labour will be I'd be able to bear that in mind and hang on.

In the meantime, I am weighing 67.5 kg, and very certain Doc Tan's gonna bite my head off during next week's visit. I am 10 kilos heavier than I was 6 months ago and although I know I have a target total of 15kg she'll never believe the incredible amount of self-restraint I have put myself through. Seriously.

2006, already?!

2006-01-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

I can't believe that my vacation has gone by. I am in denial. I wonder why I am back in office, calculating relative PEs and PBs and number of inventory days and filling out a crazy financial template that no pregnant woman should ever be made to do so. It is just unreal. I should be home reading and watching baby looney tunes on cable, or out shopping. How could it all end so soon? I am in denial.

There is also somewhat a creeping denial that I will soon be a mother in 3 months. The preggy books say it's normal to feel insecure and fearful - keeps you in check against complacency. If there's something the preggy books underplay, it's that pregnancy builds fatty deposits in the brain. I am in matrix-world, where everything is in slow-mo, and nothing scintillates the mind except a nice cool breeze. Increasingly cocooned in a mental-void, all thoughts are centred on 'how to increase milk supply', 'breathing techniques during labour' and all other stuff related to motherhood. I cannot for the world remember how to do financial statements, cannot remember how the days have gone by, and how I even managed to make my way to work this morning. I haven't even made a conscious effort on my new year resolutions and somehow it's time to keep the Xmas tree. But while I am sometimes afraid at how elusive time has become, 2006 is a landmark year for me, a year where for the first time, I'm strangely optimistic, and deep down, happy and content.

Happy new year 2006, and happy 7 months, Sweet Pea!

Vacation Plan!

2005-12-05T14:31:00.000+08:00

It's my last week of work before the long-awaited 3 weeks of annual leave! I haven't begun to work out a list of what I would like to do during this precious time but got a few key things on the back of my mind:

Christmas gift shopping. Always last minute.
Sweet Pea's room and essentials. It's still containing the ironing board, but don't worry kiddo, it'll be done by year end. Trust us.
Meeting up with friends and relatives - before watermelon belly gets too big
Cooking...the dormant cook awakens!
Confirmation of arrangements - cord bank, confinement nanny
Names, names!

Last week had been such a long week at work, am sure Sweet Pea felt it too. For the second time in a row I was late for the ParentCraft class (they must think I'm such a irresponsible mother-to-be by now) but it is rather informative and quite comforting to see other preggies in class. Both of us actually squirmed when a video clip of a epidural procedure was shown. Huge needle. HUGE needle. It's been quite an eventful weekend - We caught our first movie with Sweet Pea...he was kicking during some parts of the movie Aeon Flux. Maybe it was the parts when I couldn't stop thinking, 'Wah Charlize Theron looks really good with that kick-ass body...sigh'. Made me realise we haven't had a decent date in a long time. This and that wonderful night walk at Esplanade last month was nice. Preggy is happy. Also managed to go for my first pre-natal yoga class on saturday. Good stuff. I actually felt good (and sore) after the class. Some stretches were tricky...I actually managed a sweat at the end of it all. Wow. I have a target of 200 kegel exercises to meet everyday plus a motivation to work on my hip stretches so that my head touches my toes and I reach a state of zen despite the howling pain. Speaking of pain, I have in mind to start a checklist for Ken, things that I need him to be reminding me while I howl in pain.

To focus and visualize - think of the end goal, not the process
Breathing techniques. I could hyperventilate and that's not good
Mind games - pain is good, pain means we're 1 step closer to the finish line

I should make a set of flash-cards too, so that i can easily point especially when it's too painful to speak. A few things like:

Stay away for now
Tell me about our plans for the next trip i.e. I need major distraction!
I need a back rub
Gimme a hug and kiss
Ice, I need ice!
It's all your fault i.e. time to remind on focus and visualize
Can't breathe i.e time to refresh breathing technique
I can't take it anymore i.e. remind of HUGE needle in epidural procedure, Mum did it so I have to try

That's my 2005 vacation plan. 4 more weeks to the new year.

ps: I would very much like to name our daughter Charlize if we ever have one in the future. Russell is currently on the top of the list for Sweet Pea.

Goodbye sweet November...

2005-11-29T14:03:00.000+08:00

I feel a twinge of sadness as the month of November draws to an end and December beckons. If there's such things as a favourite month of the year, November is it for me. Most people would be surprised since it's not the month of my birthday, but instead it is for 5 of my kin - my cousins', my MIL's (mother-in-law), hubby and lastly mother's. I had thought my first child would have been a November baby as well but considering Sweet Pea might end up having the same birthday as my brother's in March, that's special too!

But birthdays aside I like November because the weather is fantastic - cool 28 degree windy mornings, it's near enough to the year-end holidays where shops start their Christmas festivities and the holiday mood starts to fill the air. It's like the last lap in a year-long race and the finish line is within sight. Yet where it defers from a race is that you don't want the holidays to descend too quickly...in contrast you wish the following 8 weeks could somehow pass at a more languid pace because the minute the holidays arrive, it changes from 'progressing towards holiday season' to a countdown towards starting a new race in the new year.

To add an additional dimension to it, Sweet Pea is officially 23 weeks old today, and I am well into my happy second trimester. It's been a wonderful 10 weeks since the sombre days of morning sickness and appetite loss, and during this time I have had 2 amazing ultrascans of Sweet Pea plus experience the joy of feeling him kick inside my tummy. I often wonder how he takes it when I do things that could only mean disturbing his wonderful sleep - e.g. walk like a locomotive just to catch the infrequent train on the expo line or laugh with a booming voice when I am amused or excited. His current size renders the pregnancy rather enjoyable at this point as I have grown accustomed to carrying him now, but yet not to the point where it puts a tremendous strain on my body. Come 2nd January I would be entering into my final trimester, and I know it'll be a period where I start to fret once more. My backaches could get worse, and as much as I can try to prepare for what to expect during delivery, I still pray I have the mental and physical strength to see it through smoothly. Of course part of the worry stems from the major adjustments and getting to know Sweet Pea well enough to address his needs correctly, but until next year there is still an excuse to tuck all these at the back of my head. The countdown to EDD will begin soon enough.

Nevertheless there's still 5 more weeks of the festive season, so hurrah, the holidays are coming!

ps: This time next year should be fun too...Sweet Pea would be 8 months old!! :)

My never-ending stories

2005-11-22T11:46:00.000+08:00

There seems to be a growing to-do list which never seems to get done but my ever so-cool hubby says, "We'll worry when we get to it." My pocket diary is full of scribblings and post-it pads that remind me of arrangements that need to be made, information that needs to be gathered and read, and items that need to be bought but somehow they remain that way. The only things I have accomplished are knowing what colour items to buy for Sweet Pea and the Xmas tree project. Meanwhile I'm increasingly moving on to chapter on 'what to expect in the sixth month' in my 'what to expect' book and my post-it pads are growing like my tummy is. Apparently hubby thinks I look so cute in current state he is tempted to 'allow me' in this state as much as possible. It takes a mega-loving, mega-forgiving, ultra-sensitive Class 1 wife like me to keep from inflicting mortal wounds on your partner for saying something like that. Then again, HE could do the nightfeeds, hiak hiak hiak.

Among knotty issues like meeting the confinement lady, sourcing for a long term nanny, deciding on private cord banking and oh getting the baby book of names, I think it's time to start on yoga for preggies. Not exactly cheap (around $25-$27 per session depending on location and package) but the issue is more of maintaining the discipline to head down every sat or tues evening. Discipline is somewhat fleeting at times...I suspect it's highly correlated with the number of times I wake up at night. The more I wake, the more fleeting it is. But fatigue being the worse enemy and incontinence a close second, I enjoy this stage of pregnancy very much. Sometimes I even forget how it feels like before I was pregnant. Weird, but true. Just like crumbs that accumulate on my belly, each day is a day I cherish with Sweet Pea kicking inside me and I know things will never be the same again.

I do hope my waistline will revert to 27 though...

ps: Shane, Curtis crossed out. Perhaps we should organize a naming-contest. Winner gets the honorary title of godpa or godma and gets a special seat during Sweet Pea's birthdays. Will throw in a crown for free.

The breastpump is the most expensive item on the list?!

2005-11-18T17:20:00.000+08:00

I am all ready with Sweet Pea's shopping list, and if he knew the extent of it he'll be excited! I know I am, as long as I choose not to compute the total figure at the end of it.

What caught me by surprise really was the cost of the breast pump. Conventional thinking is that breastfeeding is free! No need for cost of bottles, formula and things associated with it like bottle sterilizers. Well unless Mommy is gonna be a stay-at-home mum and whose milk flows like the Yangtze River with a controlling dam, no way is breastfeeding gonna be cheap since milk will have to be pumped. The 'breastpump in style' is a cool S$699, comes with a stylish bag and I believe bottles and dual suction cups to make the cows moo in approval. Settle for something relative less expensive is the Mini electric dual pump at $299, which as it suggests, is a smaller version with a smaller intensity, but still time efficient given its dual pumps. Half that price and you get a Mini electric single pump, which might get Mommy cow pretty impatient because it's twice the amount of time she's being pumped. And the cheapest of it all, under $50, the manual single pump, which is like asking the cow of 4 udders to be pumped an udder at a time, and to do-it-yourself, thank you. By the time it's done it's time to go back to square one again. With the amount of time involved it could evolve into a profession - 'So what do you do?' 'Oh I'm a full time breast-pumper. Want milk?'

But I know breastfeeding is not the easiest thing, and demands a lot of patience. It's like learning how to ride a bicycle or drive, although in my case I really hope it'll not be given the track record of how I got to learn those 2 things. The movies make it look so easy. They always make things look so easy! But I will give it a try nonetheless, because it's good for Sweet Pea and as long as it is, it's a worthy sacrifice on my part, sagging breasts and all.

Ah the powers of motherhood!

It's a boy!

2005-11-15T15:33:00.000+08:00

Dearest Sweet Pea,

Mommy can now announce to the world that we are expecting you, Daddy's little Junior Seow! Intuition proved true (yes therefore you should start listening to me from now on), and it's a huge relief for us both to be able to see you after 2 agonising months of not being able to do so.

Mommy couldn't help it, but nervousness overtook excitement before doing the detailed scan yesterday afternoon. I was worried and praying hard that you're growing well, that everything's ok, and knowing it affects you too, had to gorge on an entire plate of beef horfun just to make it better. By the way the horfun didn't taste too bad, no? When we finally got to see you at about 120pm yesterday the feeling was akin to when Mommy and Daddy powered up our very first, and very own 7ft Xmas tree just 2 days before, and the fibre optics from the tree started to glow beautifully. It was just so special, and magical. It's to be the start of an annual tradition, and we promise you'll be able to see it for yourself this time next year, and for the many years after.

You're such a cutie, and I wonder if you knew how I felt when I saw a sillouette of your face on the ultrascan. I couldn't resist a smile and said a 'hello', of which you opened his mouth as if in reply. Mommy could've cried if she could at that point but as you know she was too wound up and too full of lunch to do so. We saw your huge eyes, your sweet buttony nose, and a mouth wide enough to assure me that you'd have no problems latching on Mommy for milk 4 months from now. You seem to have the trademark tweety bird facial shape that Mommy and Granny has...heh. Don't worry, Daddy was there too, and sharp-eyed Daddy spotted almost immediately (which left Mommy going 'whoa?') the little birdy you have between your strong legs, unmistakably making its presence known to the trained eyes of the gynae and your honorary Dr Daddy. I'm sure Daddy had mental images of running around with you, spending countless hours outdoors on sports such as basketball, cycling, swimming, and softball which he'll no doubt teach you when you're ready. But yesterday the grin on Daddy's face was priceless. Mommy had it captured forever in her mind, and if you can look into my mind now that you're still a part of me, you'll end up grinning too.

We learnt a lot just sharing that brief 20 minutes with you that your spine, stomach and kidneys and heart functions are ok, and we saw those little feet that's been kicking Mommy the past 3 weeks, maybe to tell me to stop singing to you because my voice isn't that great after all. We saw your little hands, your left one clenched and the right one outstretched as if to give us a high five. At that point all Mommy and Daddy wanted to do was to hold you, but we'll have to wait another 4 months. It's all right, we need that time to set up your pretty little room, to get you nice little clothes and your power stroller! Grandma and Grandpa Seow have gotten you the prettiest blue bathtub which we know you'll like, and Mommy's reading as much as she can to make you a happy baby. How's that? Maybe now you can forgive Mommy's bad singing.

By the way the doctor says we're both bigger than we should be, so Mommy's gonna cut down on eating all those yummy carbo and red meat and switch to the healthy stuff that I used to prefer before having you. I know it's going to be hard at first but you might end up liking fish and veggies a lot more soon. Don't worry, it'll be good for both of us in the long run... at least Mommy will remember to pass the written slip together with her urine sample the next time round at the hospital and save the nurses from panicking when our urine sample goes missing mysteriously. You must also make Mommy not whine so much because it's not Mommy's style to whine, especially not at the staff at IKEA just because we thought we couldn't get that pretty golden star for our Xmas tree. It's hard to see Daddy cringe so much and we visit IKEA as often as NTUC, so it's just not proper. Little boys do not whine when things don't turn out the way they want. They think outside the box to try and get it done. In this case, perhaps Mommy's belly and you in it did the trick. And do smile, it's works like a charm most of the time.

Ok, we should start heading up to the gym for a workout so that Mommy's swollen ankles of fat and not water retention as certified by the gynae will go away, and Mommy need not occupy 2 seats with her growing bum. We love you lots, especially Daddy who unfortunately gets caught up with work to feed us all, but whom never forgets to give you a kiss every night at bedtime.

Love,
Mommy.

This little saint gave up a seat, that little vermin didn't!

2005-11-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

It's the end of the week again, and I'm feel much better once more. So much to look forward to this weekend! :) The Christmas trees are up all around in town, and as I made my way to the office in town today I actually felt some festive jive in my steps... and I can't stop hearing 'Oh the weather outside is frightful..' in my head. No snow around here but I'm definitely carrying a huge sunshine all around!

Can't wait for Monday's little date with him/her and hey it'll no longer be him/her but him OR her! I miss Sweet Pea a lot and it's amazing how the bond grows day by day even without knowing how he/she looks like or what personality he/she comes with. I've been increasingly sending brainwave images of cuddling in my arms and I wonder if it's making any difference! It comforts me greatly though, if nothing else. It's been 2 months since I've last seen an ultrascan and honestly, I wonder if I might cry on Monday. We'll see.

I'm also starting a mini log of days where that kind individual gives up a seat for Ms Preggy here on the train. So far this week, it was Wednesday and today. Though seemingly insignificant, such acts of sensitivity really makes a difference in my day ahead, and in a way makes me feel that I'm noticed, and to some degree advocated.

Log: Wednesday 9 Nov 2005
A tall, young and slim guy with glasses stood up with a seat and a smile

Log: Thursday 10 Nov 2005
An entire carriage of vultures a-la women with myopia and colour-blindness. I was wearing red. Picture ne-zha with a ball tucked underneath.

Log: Friday 11 Nov 2005
A be-spectacled lady stood up rather graciously, unexpectedly and awkwardly, of which I accepted graciously and very awkwardly.

Darn it, I think I am hungry again after a full plate of roast pork and chicken rice, with veggie, soup and fruits. Unbelievable.

Moody

2005-11-08T12:54:00.000+08:00

Moody moody...I think I'll just go take a walk outdoors in this jumanji land I'm trapped in.

The monsoons are here...

2005-11-05T15:15:00.000+08:00

It's a relatively muted 'DeepaRaya' season. Having all Chinese neighbours means no festivities and no good food. Gone were the days where my brother and I would eagerly wait by the iron grilles of our old 3-rm HDB flat for jolly auntie who lived upstairs to come by with her huge tray of Malay goodies. I can still remember those treasured items - her delicious lontong, baked cookies, curry puffs, and who could miss that huge plate of red jelly, all to be devoured the following morning as a hearty breakfast. She certainly made kids like me and my brother real happy then, and even as she has passed on years ago her memory still lives very much in us, her spirit and generosity very much a part of our simple childhood. It is of no surprise then that at every Hari Raya Puasa, I end up missing her and imagining her appearing at our doorstep, all smiley with a huge red tray of goodies.

If I weren't pregnant I may have gone on a short holiday. Instead I stayed home with the flu bug. What I also missed are 2 very-hard-to-organise reunions, a pre-wedding party, and the long-awaited customary wedding of Ken's buddy. The latter wasn't because of the flu, but the Chinese believe in something called the 'clash of joyous occasions'. Yes too much of a good thing is not favourable, and no one wants to have any regrets where a once in a lifetime event is concerned. So as all my mischievious plans made since last year goes up in smoke, so does the fun. I can't even exact revenge on making us both drink at least an entire bottle of red wine and the resulting stoned honeymoon we had. Oh well. Sweet Pea will do just that and more. Hiak hiak hiak.

Kiddo is starting to kick a lot more now, and it's a strange sense of comfort when it happens. Mind you he/she doesn't just kick at whim. Experiments have shown that kiddo kicks during times of discomfort. For example, when I drink something cold quickly without leaving it to warm up first, or when I lie on my back instead of the favoured positions (on the sides like some goddess). Well at least I know kiddo likes hot food like me, but I think when it comes to temperament it's probably more of Ken's. Why this little baby turns into an absolute angel whenever Ken puts his hand on my tummy. The kicking just stops, to the frustration of Daddy.

*kick, kick, kick*. Life's miracles.

Rojak thoughts, no wonder got white hair

2005-10-27T17:44:00.000+08:00

Lots of people can't get used to my new short-cropped haircut. They liken it to a down-and-out auntie who has lost her zest in life and can't be bothered with anything much. I on the other hand, have never felt so comfortable with so little hair. Washing it after a swim is such a breeze. 1 minute flat with a 20-cent coin worth of shampoo. They're just envious. But they sure know how to get me flipping my old photos.

My food cravings are showing signs of life. Like Tuesday I craved for baked potato with bacon and sour cream, Wednesday was KFC Zinger burger, and today I guess kiddo just wanted a break and we just settled on thinking about strawberry margaritas. I have a breakfast date on saturday with wanton mee and a hot steaming cuppa tea, and fried hokkien mee is slowly worming its way in. But I'm still held fast by the need to feed Sweet Pea nutritious food, and my mind is a powerful thing, so...

I think I should check out Old Airport Road Hawker Centre with the man this weekend. Hiak hiak hiak.

I started thinking again about whether I should stop work for a year to look after Sweet Pea. A huge part of me says yes, the other part says it's just not practical. On my hand it's my child's formative years and the other an annual pay packet of $XX,000. But then again, working in my current job for another year could prove more torturous than looking after kiddo. Will anyone out there hire me to work from home and pay me maybe 75% of my current pay? ANYONE?!

I think it's best I get back to thinking about strawberry margaritas.

The truth always hurts

2005-10-26T10:26:00.000+08:00

I had a little tiff with the mother earlier this week over a comment I made which I felt was an opinion, if not an honest one. It got me to wonder if as much as I value another person's point of view, when it comes to your child's opinion of yourself, how can one find the fine balance between accepting his/her expression of an honest perspective, and brushing away sensitive inner demons of being hurt and insulted? Nobody takes criticisms well, but is a parent immune to those from a child? Is a parent-child relationship devoid of any form of dual-way learning?

I look forward to the day my child can be equipped with all that I can teach such that he/she is my equal, or even better than me in many ways, yet retaining unique traits of who he/she is. But can a parent get so used to deference since day 1, and start to resent the aim to empower, because inevitably this empowerment will encroach on sacred territory, boundaries which may not necessarily apply in the child's point of view. We are all human after all, and who's to say I wouldn't start to develop feelings of inadequacy when I find that there is little more I can offer like I used to in the past? How will I respond in truth when my child starts to improve on my methods, or offer constructive opinions on how certain things in my life should be run? Will I be able to rationalize and say,'Ah the kid is truly independent', without feeling like my ego has been bruised big-time? There will always be problems abound, and in my case, I just wanted to try and do something to improve relations within the family, using better communication and greater compromise as tools. Of course it backfired, but we can leave it for another blog entry.

Perhaps the delivery of it counts, but there are some things even the best delivery cannot ward off. Really, the truth just hurts.

The unbearable whiteness...

2005-10-24T17:20:00.000+08:00

I'm positive I saw a strand of white hair earlier this morning. And so it has begun.

Flutter, flutter...

2005-10-21T16:30:00.000+08:00

Today I actually feel prettier and somewhat happier than other days, in part because it's the weekend once more, because I had a good lunch, because I'm wearing my favourite preggy top and slacks and because I'm listening to soothing Korean songs while sipping Ribena Light. And it is amid this aura of sweetness and happiness that I believe I just felt the first movements of Sweet Pea. A short but unmistakable fluttery sensation on my lower tummy. It's definitely NOT gas, people.

Just before that, I had this stretching feeling on the top of my abdomen. A bit of pain, but it's nothing. This kiddo is definitely growing, and a huge part of me is just so happy. Never mind the headaches, never mind the stuffed nose, never mind that I have to stay late almost all of next week, never mind that Kenneth will be boarding a plane to Japan once more. For now, I'm just happy.

Did I mention I'm wearing the most comfortable, pretty and functional nursing bra?! Oh and Kiddy Palace has a lot of stuff, and I found cloth nappies! Tra la la la la...

No worries, Mommy's still sane, and loves you more each day...tra la la la la...

Seventeen, this week's number is 17!

2005-10-18T14:50:00.000+08:00

Last friday's scan went by quite uneventfully but it's nice to be able to hear Sweet Pea's heartbeat thumping away! Of late I am conscious of 2 sets of heartbeats even though it seems as if it's just my heartbeat, but I was able to detect a thumping feeling when I lie down and tuck my hand under the back of my tummy. Very nice, and now let's all be patient and wait for the first kickings! I've felt flutterings akin to gas moving before and being a victim of constant gas plagues I still think it's gas. Sweet Pea, we know you're in there, just take your time!

I'm not sure when it exactly happened, but I suddenly noticed my swollen tummy last week. Perhaps I was distracted by all the excitement of reading the past 2/3 weeks it just grew without me really noticing it until one day it just hit me. Like 'hellooooo, belly!'. So there's no more denying left to be done, and I've marked it by starting on wearing my preggy tops. Like the time I first wore my preggy bottoms (oh gawd that feels like eons ago) it takes a little for the eyes and mind getting used to. To draw reference to a food type, I look like a spillingly huge blueberry muffin topped with a cherry from Starbucks; to draw reference to the impending holiday season I look like a 7 ft undecorated plain fir Xmas tree with a ball on top. Both are attractive and beautiful in its own unique way, as the reflection on the glass doors tell me. I say yeah, sure. Wait till I dish out the fishbowl panties grandma loved to wear, completing the metamorphosis. Meanwhile 'embrace your new beautiful form!' as the pregger books say. After all soon it'll be hard embracing anybody except myself.

Upon reading 'What to expect when you're expecting', which is by the way an excellent pregger book, I'm much in line with their recommended pregnancy diet except for the fibre part. 8 portions of wholemeal stuff a day is really a lot. I can switch the bread to wholemeal and munch on wholemeal biscuits but brown rice is really another thing altogether. No complaints though, I had little problems in the loo this morning after wolfing down a ham and cheese sandwich in brown bread. My appetite starting to pick up, along with the weird cravings. Ok I've had enough fries and sprite the past 2 months. Now it's local food - I had chwee kuey, chee cheong fun and fried beehoon for breakfast last sunday. The oil got to me a little but it never tasted so good. This sunday? Fried carrot cake. Maybe soya sauce chicken noodles. Maybe nasi lemak. Maybe? But before I lose my head over these irrepressibly sinful foods with little nutritional value except to boost the size of my growing bum, I'm mindful to choose healthy alternatives on weekdays. Like dried apricots, yoghurt, cherry tomatoes, and baked oatmeal biscuits.

Mmmm chwee kuey...

The reading bug

2005-10-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

I have amassed quite a few good books on pregnancy and parenthood, and apart from relishing the last few months of spontaneity and personal time, it's a good time for massive reading. My mother thinks I have such a voracious appetite for books, poor Sweet Pea is feeling stressed already from ABCs.

There's some good stuff at the library these recent years. Now there's an online catalogue that not only allows you to trace if the book is available for borrowing at each of the branches islandwide, but for a mere $1.55, could arrange for a book to be reserved and transferred to any library branch of choice! Good for preggies, no? Good for me indeed, after all my record remains at standing for 7 MRT stations, I cannot afford to be running around different libraries just to source for popular titles.

My areas of reading stem from concerns on how to cope during labour, and how to cope during the crucial first 3 months of having the baby. FEAR, among other insecurities is a big thing to overcome. But I reckon it could be minimised with acquiring knowledge, developing the right expectations, and building inner confidence. It also doesn't hurt to remember that some measure of pain is a necessary process of childbirth, and that parenting, though tough at the beginning, will get easier. So I try to focus on the positives (a life challenge of looking after kiddo) and not dwell on the negatives (welcome to the world of the sleepless!). But it's hard sometimes. My wedding picture seems to be reminding me that like my wonderful wedding gown I'll probably never see again, I can never be 25 anymore, and at 27, my real responsibility as an adult begins.

Meanwhile HUGE positive: time to see Sweet Pea again tomorrow! Do do do do do...

A wonderful swim

2005-10-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

Went for a late afternoon swim once more...I'm positive that Sweet Pea is enjoying it very much as well. The endorphins are dancing within me as I seemingly glide in the waters with each lazy stroke. I had the perfect setting - a clean and pleasant pool set amid glass surroundings, beautiful and calm blue waters, just the right amount of warmth from the setting sun, and a gentle breeze as I look up at the cloudy blue skies tinged with a touch of gold.

Even better, I had a good book with me as I took swim breaks in between to make sure I do not over-exert. After all, too much of a good thing could mean mommy having no energy left to go home. It was nicely finished off with a hot cup of nestum. Ahhhhh...

Stretch-mark creams, anyone?

2005-10-11T14:15:00.001+08:00

We're now at 4 months, 3 kg heavier (1 kg to boobs, 1 kg to tum and 1 kg to bum) and with a sunnier disposition. After seeing the fresh streaks of white on my gloriously growing bottom last week, I have gone out and bought myself a stretch-mark cream. I don't know if it'll make those ugly marks go away, stop new ones from sprouting, or if it even works on the bum (MY bum) to begin with. But I know something has to be done, and soon.

Like any other products in the market, there are at least 3 or 4 brands to choose from, each with its own attributes and of course, price tag. Cream-based vs oil based, level of greasiness, level of fragrance, ingredients... I managed to check out 3 brands, and finally settled for the mid-price ranged, less greasy and most fragrant one. Not forgetting the 'recommended by Ministry of Health' label and the complementary foot massage cream worth $40 that came with it. Now I can't wait to head home and try it out!

It's good to be in town once in a while. I had a craving of sandwich and chips satisfied at O'Briens, and took the opportunity to shop before and after lunch. I stepped into shops that I didn't have anything in mind to buy just for the heck of it, and I do miss sitting in a comtemplative spot with a book while all the activity takes place around me. For a change, I feel a semblance of the old life coming back, and it's a good feeling.

I wonder if the stretch mark cream works on the hubby. Apparently there's the bust-cream to think about too.

Part-time maid service, hurrah!

2005-10-10T10:21:00.000+08:00

After years of doing my own housework, I have finally succumbed. The part-time maid phenomenon has not only reached my door but cleaned my toilets, way better than I have! Given my current predicament, $10 an hour is money well-spent, and a clean house a God-send.

The cleaner that arrived early at my place last Saturday is a Chinese lady, migrated here with her family from Mainland China. She is petite with a gentle disposition, and a really hardworking and efficient worker. Within 4 hours she did the following all by herself, non-stop:

1) Vacuumed entire house including the couch
2) Gave all surface tops and cupboard doors a mop
3) Cleaned my kitchen stove, hood and dish rack
4) Cleaned one set of windows in my room (she'll take time to clean the rest in subsequent sessions)
5) Cleaned 2 toilets, the bedroom and more frequently used one very thoroughly
6) Mopped entire house
7) Ironed 20-25 pieces of clothing

Ok some might think - that's nothing impressive! But to me, it sure is. Sure certain things I can still and insist on doing on my own i.e. putting the laundry to wash and folding, but I'm not a perfectionist by nature and applying the 80-20 rule - to have someone clean my 110 sq metre apartment for me, is good enough. And I even got to practise my rusty Chinese. If anything, it gave us time to rest fully on Sunday without having to worry about un-ironed shirts and dusty floors. Heck we even went out shopping!

Kenneth thinks after this we'll never go back to cleaning on our own again. Perhaps he's right - I am more attuned to outsourcing this now than before, but some part of me still prides in doing it on my own. Not to mention it is necessary to introduce this to the kids in time, before they start to take it for granted that someone else will always clean up after their messy rooms and smelly sweat socks. Start right from scratch, like putting away their toys, keeping their clothing in their cupboards, and maybe I should label my washbuckets in a bid to encourage their application of reading and logic skills in separating laundry for wash.

But for now, there is one less thing to worry about, and I am indeed thankful!

My love affair with...

2005-10-07T14:05:00.000+08:00

A few friends have asked me if I've started having food cravings yet. Honestly, I'm just happy to be past the throwing up stage to ask for something as positive as a food craving. But the most consistent craving I've had since the days I found out about Sweet Pea (1st week of August) is for fruits. Yes, COOL, FLESHY, JUICY, SWEET, REFRESHING (Craving For Just Simple Roughage?) fruits.

I can count the number of times my dog-nose picks up the scent of a freshly cut Sarawak pineapple - ahh the beauty of a bright and wonderfully-shaped slice whose teeth except my own are so happily, satisfyingly, succulently sinking into. I can imagine the sweetness of it gently swooshing in my mouth, and the euphoria of my entire being where endorphines are bursting in jubilation when swallowed. Yes I can imagine it all, but alas, can only watch with envy from a respectable distance. It's like facing forbidden love - every day you tell yourself that loving some fruit does not require possession, that forbidden fruit tastes the best. And every time you see the fruit so eye-catching and enticing in the fruits display you force yourself to look at other alternatives, at other substitutes for they are so much better for you than a pineapple. Come on, scores of Vitamin C will not help with roughage! It's dietary fibre! So goddammit, buy the papaya and be happy!

I don't think they cover this very much in the preggie books, but I am about to go crazy pining for a silly pineapple. Something I could've ate 365 days x 20 years = 7,300 days but nooooo...I wasn't into pineapples, let alone those that come from Sarawak. But it's ok that others eat it, may it be strangers or friends, for my tolerance threshold is quite good - for now. I just don't understand why overnight, I desire something so much that even my mother started to salivate as I related this to her. Well it's fine and dandy that she's salivating, but pitiful me.

TGIF! Once more.

Our trip to the bookstore

2005-10-06T13:42:00.000+08:00

I got off work earlier than usual and headed to town yesterday. I was making my way to Borders the mega bookstore, a place where I'd be happy to spend many hours just browsing the many interesting array of books it has to offer. I like Borders better than Kinokuniya really, although I suspect Kino may have a wider range of collection. But there's something about the decor, the colour of the lighting and walls and layout of its books that makes Borders the more inviting choice for me. Especially so now that I'm a preggie, Kino comes across as claustrophobic and haphazard in contrast to the open space at Borders. Room for improvement at Borders? More seats and bum cushions for the side benches please! See, little perspectives like that change as well the minute you're living for 2 persons.

The reason why I could overcome the long and seemingly ardous journey to town from Changi, is because I've been itching to buy myself the latest Terry Brooks release - the finale to yet another excellent sub-series of his popular Shannara stories that has spanned over 20 years, in a total of 14 books. Oh yes I should mention the 20% discount I have as well, till end of the week that is. Heh. It's the main thing that my brother and I have in common - the love of fantasy books that fuels the active imagination and a conduit to escape into an entirely different world altogether. The characters, the plot, the landscapes, and the adrenalin that comes with each military war or magical duel is so riveting, it sometimes feels as if we, as the reader, had somehow infused ourselves into the story as well, and experiencing it firsthand. At least for me, I cry when a hero falls, feel fear when a life is threatened, feel a sense of accomplishment when the quest ends, but not without pondering with the close of the book what sacrifices were made along the way in the story to right the wrong.

We have all but 2 of his books at home, and I have re-read some of them over the years, but like any seasoned writer, his later works surpass those of the earlier ones. The underlying formula stays the same throughout, but yet it is somehow different - with each descendant in each sub-series of 3 or 4 books, each is forced to face different trials and employ their innate magic borne by their common heritage bloodline in different circumstances. You can't help but feel for each character uniquely as a result, and the changing storyline also means the stories don't get stale. Good stuff indeed! If Borders were in CBP, I'd be sooooo happy. But really, even a bookstore knows where the crowds are.

I also ventured into the parenthood section and picked up a great book that offers tips to mums on handling infant babies till the age of 1. There was also the hit series of 'What to expect' books, books on names, and all. The real highlight must be my encounter with 3 ladies at the baby names column. One was a 7-month preggie with 2 of her girlfriends. I managed to gather a lot of information about her just by standing a couple of feet away browsing the 'What to expect' book, not because I was that good at eavesdropping, but because they were just so loud. In 20 minutes, I know she comes from a Chinese-ed family, she's having a girl, she's due in January, it's her first child, her husband is Christian but she is not but her kid's going to be baptised anyway, and she wants a unique, out of this world name for her daughter but not that alien that the grandparents would have difficulty pronouncing. It would not be appropriate to list down the names they popped out although some did make me cringe. A little. Finally they left with the name she decided was unique enough and very likeable - Phoebe. But somehow I get the feeling there'll be spin-off versions sounding like 'Hwee Bee' or 'Seee Bee' from the gramps. I wish her the best.

Going to the bookstore is never a dull experience for me - there's the wonderful books and CDs, there's the people that flock there, the books or magazines they pick up, the interesting conversations they hold, their kids in tow who can't keep still or declare to everyone they've finished reading a book by flipping the pages so quickly it's like a new phenomenon - lightning reading, 100x that of speed reading. And being there in the midst of it all makes me happy really, keeps me smiling. Am sure Sweet Pea will too, when the kid figures out the fun in it just like mommy has.

A very rewarding mid-week!

Lighthearted musings on a wet morning

2005-10-05T10:59:00.000+08:00

Weather's dreary this morning. It rained throughout the night, ideal for sleeping in with a great book and music in the background. Sometimes I wonder what Sweet Pea is doing. Swimming? Sleeping? Sommersaults? It can be quite vexing not knowing. I wish I had a ultrascan machine at my disposal.

My tummy's grown in size, but obviously not to the stage where I'm being offered a seat automatically in the train. Here I am going 'Is everybody a bit short-sighted?!' and there I have friends saying,'Oei, it's not that obvious lah!'. Well ok, I may start wearing tee-shirts like 'Babyholic!', or 'I love babies!' or 'Baby on board, outta my way!'. Afterall, I saw a baby's jumper that goes 'Will work for milk.' Awwwwwwww....

Comfort Bus Services is pulling the plug next month. My glorious chauffeured plans have now gone with the wind. Soon I will find myself trudging to work once more in the train, where no one will give me a seat because no one thinks I am pregnant. They all think I ate too much and it went to my tummy and that's why it's sticking out compared to the rest of me. No one looks at my tired face, nor my plain sandals and jet-black dull hair and thinks - 'Oh her body's working doubly hard to cope with the pregnancy'. They are looking out for the glow, the radiance, and the beauty that fake model preggies wearing tummy pillows have come to misrepresent. Ok November onwards, I'll wear a pullover with glow-worm type lighting.

But on a positive note, we've passed 15 weeks yesterday. 4 months is but a week away! And Daddy Ken just called.

I must I must, move that bust!

2005-10-04T11:47:00.000+08:00

Daddy's offsite again, this time in happy Cheppati India.

I tried getting back to the workout groove last week, and it's proving to be more difficult than I had expected. Gone are those days where I'd workout every other day in the gym, and according to Ewil Jan's blog, finish it off nicely with howlings in the shower about the water being too cold and then too hot, in that order. I had started swimming again last week - it's one of the things we used to enjoy before, and am sure Sweet Pea enjoyed it tremendously too. Only that subsequent to the swim I felt like I could collapse any moment. Not the best situation to find a preggie in. Coupled with the on-off sniffles and frequent headaches of late, the re-integration plan has not quite taken off as expected.

Of course it's easy to blame it on Ewil Jan who has so nicely abandoned our nice little partnership 2 months ago, but in truth I can feel the changes in my body and how it's working overtime to give the best to Sweet Pea. So I really have to start slow - 20 minutes maximum at a comfortable pace is all I can take. Perhaps I should also wake up a bit earlier to do stretching exercises in the morning. Not too early to start establishing a new routine again, which is what having Sweet Pea the past 3 over months has been about anyways.

I was initally contemplating attending yoga classes for preggies, but being at Changi means I'm better off buying Preggy Yoga for Dummies and doing it next to my desk. Ah things have progressed. I am actually open to the idea of exercise once more. Now I have to find a way to enjoy clenching pelvic muscles again. They make me wanna pee. Not funny if I were anywhere but on the porcelain goddess.

Sweet dreams aren't made of these

2005-10-03T10:20:00.000+08:00

I've been plagued by dreams of late, dreams that I'd never had of such intensity, and dreams I frankly rather not have.

I recall times when I had 100% restful sleep - and that was during my days spent in HK. I would hit the sack earliest at 1am, and no problems whatsoever waking up at 7am feeling bright and fresh. Perhaps it was David Letterman's late night shows, or the feng shui of my bed then. But I had no dreams whatsoever. I just shut down completely after a long day.

However over the past few weeks, I have started to dream without fail every night, of dreams that make no sense, of dreams that mirror inner fears and leave me waking up feeling irritable and tired. I look forward to sleep most of the time, as a form of relief for the neverending fatigue. But I always end up wondering why I just cannot sleep as well as I used to.

Another preggie confided that it affected her along with her friends as well, and often it's a result of having too many worries during the day. 'A hot drink and a nice book before bedtime helps', she said. 'Do you have excessive worries?' she asked me. I replied almost at once,'Nothing serious, in f act I don't think of much in the daytime nowadays,' which is the truth. What she and I know though is that although it's not in the forefront, it's there nonetheless. How else can I explain why I dreamt my client was unhappy with me for the first time when I failed to tell him how to get to a meeting place 10 minutes away? Or how I came into a roomful of bugs of all kinds, and that my mother put a sizable 4-legged mutant spider on my left thigh while saying it won't bite? I woke up whimpering and I hope Sweet Pea wasn't too frightened last night, but I know I was because I felt the creature on my thigh, as if it were real. Too real.

So I'm definitely not having a good time, but I try not to think about it, and wish I knew what sweet dreams are made of.

Emotional Rollercoaster

2005-09-30T17:40:00.000+08:00

I was feeling low again last night, overwhelmed by the same wave of helplessness and fatigue over the past 2-3 months. Sometimes I try to battle them with sheer mental will and it works, but in others I can literally feel it creeping up and before long I just give in to the depressed demon within. Last night was one of those times where I just caved in. Guilt and the sense of failure that comes with it are the devil's perfect advocates. I now have a greater appreciation of what mothers have to go through, and so grateful that my mother has always been there when I needed her. Last night was no exception.

Today I feel much better, although it's CF's last day at work. Perhaps it's the wonderful farewell lunch we had, or the 2 games of pool we played, or the opportunity to re-live those happy memories again and marvel how things have changed in just one year. In the next 6 - 8 months, the entire original team might've left...but it's a happy ending at least! And me, I'm just happy that I've announced about Sweet Pea ('Oh that explains your mood swings..' - said a colleague), and that my bank balance looks healthier now...hehehe.

It's October tomorrow, and soon it'll be time to get a Christmas tree. I see a beautiful sunset now...

Confinement Nannies and a box of chocolates

2005-09-29T10:00:00.000+08:00

I had started doing some research on Confinement Nannies yesterday. Sweet Pea's beginning to show anyway and in true Singaporean fashion like everything else, one has got to start booking early. So it's really not that premature to start asking for referrals in an attempt to shortlist or even better, secure one.

Only that looking for the best chocolates in the world would've been easier and less demoralising. Forums, oh those wonderfully honest forums I've come to depend on depict more horror stories on Confinement Nannies from hell than the Guardian Angels I'm looking for. Honestly I was quite taken aback because I didn't expect it to be such a challenge finding an experienced and good one. Instead, I have been introduced to the world of 'one-kind' Confinement Nannies, with the potential of an Aedes mosquito - they can sure make life miserable.

Check these out:

There's the one that agreed but didn't show up.
There's the one that agreed and showed up, but upon asking for the full amount, just vaporised into thin air.
There's the one that agreed and showed up, asked for full amount, but keep asking for more money. ("For marketing", she says. She intends to buy the entire market, it seems)
There's the one that takes care of the baby so well, all other duties are conveniently ignored.
There's the one that's so lazy, she heated the expressed breast milk with its plastic container over the open stove
There's the one that's so slipshod, she caused the poor mother to fall after leaving a wet floor after a mop.
There's the one that got along so well apparently, she was coming uninvited to use cooking facilities to cook for her own family.
And who could beat the one that gave the mother overnight confinement food, only to eat the fresh ones herself?

I mean, the list just goes on and I was getting a headache. I was advised to get one from an agency as opposed to free-lancers to minimise the probability of such errant characters because they have a pool to draw from such that you can always rock the house down and ask for a replacement if the one they sent threatens to increase your blood pressure. But most of them get nannies from Malaysia which means having to pay a levy for them coming over and the thing is, it's like a box of chocolates - you'll never know what you're gonna get till they ring your doorbell. I mean, what chance do I stand with young Sweet Pea and a weakened body when she decides to chase me with a chopper??

So while it's great that you can wait till the eleventh hour before committing to engaging a confinement nanny from an agent, I get no comfort inviting a stranger in my house, much less have her live in with me for a full month. Not all mothers are fortunate to be able to seek the help of close relatives to help, and there will always be other alternatives to every problem, but sometimes I wish I could just order a box of ferraro rochers and be rest assured that it will be delivered to me as promised when I need them most.

On the bright side, I know what I'll be working as when I hit 40.

Rounder, Fuller, and Heavier

2005-09-28T11:21:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to show...at 14 weeks today I am Rounder, Fuller, and Heavier. My tummy has taken on this ball-like quality which Ken adores rubbing, my Bs have swollen to a jello-cup size which is also a hit with the daddy-to-be, and yes, I've managed to gain some weight (1 or 2 kg maybe?). It's a matter of time that even goondusamys start to notice. I am a preggie, so on my way to clumsi-dom.

Yippee-kai-yay!

Sweet Pea, I'm listening to Korean...

2005-09-27T15:53:00.001+08:00

Why are Korean soap dramas so popular? Even I am hooked! I can't speak the language much less understand what they're talking/yelling/whining about, but it doesn't stop me from finding the dual sound button on the remote and switching to (Sub II). Didn't think much of the 'Korean Wave' when the term was first coined last year or 2, but between heading to bed and watching 'Stairway to Heaven' after a long day at 10pm last night, we all know what happened eventually.

Never mind that it is a long-drawn tragedy with a simple yet cliched plot whereby the lovers who overcome all obstacles in the end will still separate as the female lead, despite receiving a transplant from her unrequited lover, eventually dies of eye cancer like her mother did. Never mind that if you remove the draggy scenes the story can be related in just 5 episodes instead of the agonizing 20. Never mind that it's not as moving as those Qiong Yao Taiwanese serials that used to be so popular in the 1990's, my mother and I used to exhaust an entire box of tissue in 2 episodes. It's just captivating - perhaps the result of an excellent combination of good eye-candy actors, the breathtaking Korean landscape, the soppy yet wonderful soundtrack, and the underlying message it tries to convey.

We all expect happy endings on TV, for afterall it's a means of escape into a fantasy world we wish we lived in. Ah if only our destined lover appears round the next corner everytime we think of him; or the romantic opportunity to be held by that oh so cute guy in that beautiful autumn forest in a typical piggyback scene. But I prefer sad endings sometimes because I'd like TV to also reflect what life really is sometimes - that it's never always fair, and outcomes are sometimes never the best there is. Perhaps I am a cynic but I prefer Sweet Pea to be able to learn and understand that in life, may it be in school, at work, in love, or any other major milestone, often the process of getting there matters more than the outcome, especially so since we live in a society where rewards are pegged to the latter and none for the former. It provides valuable answers in explaining the outcome, and the actions that led to it. So on the surface while it's sad when happy endings elude us - where star-crossed lovers have to part, the good suffers under the hands of the wicked, but on a deeper level it also tells us of the path of sacrifices, the spirit of endurance, and of life's consequences made out of bad choices. Nothing is more beneficial, and sends the message across better than good TV, in a world where real-life tragedies and emotions are played out while watching from a distance.

Now that's entertainment!

Oh why can't we just press a button for a kid??

2005-09-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

Thank the heavens, I'm gradually feeling better. Plastic bags are accumulating in my bag and that is a good sign. I may have some energy this weekend to do some much needed housekeeping, but staying outdoors for an extended period of time remains a challenge.

I'm grateful to my parents for keeping my room intact, such that I can head home and stay for any period of time, anytime I need to or feel like it. My mother thinks the air is different at Queen's Close compared to Strathmore Avenue...I seem healthier back at her place than my own. To a certain extent it's true because my old room is my favourite place in the house. Very comforting to sleep on my bed again - I almost feel like a single chick again.

I should start clearing my wardrobe this weekend. There'll be some tears *sob, some clothing have never seen the public light of day as they were bought 2 weeks before my preggie status was confirmed and vital parts started swelling up soon after*, but there is also a resolve to fit into them again by this time next year. It is wonderful to get a new wardrobe but it's as if all the shopping cells in me have gone on a long holiday. It'll take a lot to drag me to the stores at this point.

Spoke to a CS staff earlier about her labour experience. She's has a 15-month old baby boy, but she had undergone a 24-hour labour pains before being wheeled from the labour ward to an operating theatre for an emergency caesaran operation. Her cervix had failed to dilate in time and there wasn't any other alternative but to take the baby out 'through the window'. As she related her account of how she had to make tough decisions there and then on her own, having to curl up like a prawn to get a spinal injection (which is milder than an epidural) and how she couldn't feel her legs after just 5 minutes, I felt my skin crawl. We all have a birth plan, that is normal delivery, and epidural if necessary, but it may never go according to plan because of various unforeseen factors like inadequate cervix dilation and abnormally high blood pressure brought about by the pregnancy. And yes, not being able to have any relatives and hubby accompany you inside the operating theatre is NOT a comforting thought. One can only hope and pray for the best, but on the bright side, at least I've gained some insights on what to expect in if this scenario happens.

Ok breathe. Deep breaths now...

Extra, extra, reeaad all about it!!!

2005-09-22T16:05:00.000+08:00

I should seriously start rehearsing how I'm going to break the news to the Big Guy.

I've narrowed down the key aspects to consider about - the content, the timing, the approach and the final delivery itself. Let's do this one by one.

A. Content
The main messages is going to be 'I've got a 69mm and growing baby in my tummy right now', and 'EDD being March means you have 5 months to get my replacement'. And yes, you still have to pay me for that 3 months that I'll be busy breastfeeding my kid. The other more difficult part really, is the bold request of the possibility of working from home for the rest of the contract - from July till Sept. I cringe even to think of how he'll react to this one.

B. Timing
Like I've mentioned in the earlier post, I feel end of the month a.k.a bonus season is best to bring it up. It might seem unethical and even immoral to do a 'Thank you very much the cash's in the bank and now I have a present for you', but nothing in my contract ever said anything about not hedging your bets. Sweet Pea, make sure you're taking notes when you read this in 16 year's time.

C. Approach
There's the direct approach, and the indirect, roundabout 'you know the government's measures to promote childbearing' one. Another factor is the face-to-face, over the phone, or email approach. So we have a few combinations here, each with its own pros and cons:

Direct - face to face ----------> he might blow up and I might throw up
Direct - over the phone ----------> he might blow up and I could always pull the wire
Direct - email ----------> he might blow up and I'll be happy

Indirect - face to face ----------> he might not get it and I end up throwing up
Indirect - over the phone ----------> he might not get it and I end up putting down the phone
Indirect - email ----------> I'll find it funny but he might not

Right now, I'm on a whim to send him an email with a scanned picture of Sweet Pea with a message, 'What's up with this picture? Search for clues and solve the puzzle!' Who knows I might even get praised for ingenuity and originality and I'll get what I want.

D. Final Delivery
I SO need a script. Not funny, I only have a week left. Chances are, he might blow up and I could always pull the wire. And he'll call me back. :)

Ok let's get to work.

Sweet Pea, live with a bang...

2005-09-21T12:04:00.000+08:00

I had an interesting conversation with my client on Monday over lunch, over the topics 'what do we see ourselves doing in the next 10 years' and the life's biggest tradeoffs - 'Quality of life'. Indirectly we were addressing the inevitability of my departure down the road, but on a deeper level it also addressed the greatest dilemma I've had since starting work - do we live to work, or work to live?

I've always envied those who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives, and not have to spend 3 or 4 years in University just to try and figure it out. Unfortunate for me, I'm still a bit of a bird, willing to go wherever life leads me. While I have been able to take all that comes my way with a certain degree of aplomb and grow more surely as a person as a result, there have been times when I wonder if I should just switch from exploring and decide on a stop. Or more aptly, start taking the active lead and not the passive approach to my life.

I still cannot overcome the inner conflict between wanting to choose a career path that reaps financial and professional rewards but at the expense of personal quality time, and one that allows me the personal space which I know makes me happy. Putting in the crazy hours abroad once made me realise how unhappy I was and just how much I valued leading such a lifestyle. Subsequent decisions have always been personal quality time as a priority, but it doesn't stop me from blaming myself sometimes for being so slack and not working hard enough to provide for the future.

I reckon it's too difficult for me to take that step for myself, because I didn't dream enough as a child. I know what I don't like, but it is hard for me to say for sure what my passion in life really is. Perhaps it's to be able to help others, but without the financial capability, it's just not practical and sensible. So when it's Sweet Pea's turn, I hope I am able to encourage him/her to dream and to develop a passion that hopefully comes along with an innate talent to be able to excel in it. I hope he/she will never have to face the dilemma of an aimless life but one that is focused and dedicated to overcoming obstacles in doing what he/she loves, for a lifetime.

And maybe in the process, I can find my own anchor, and be brave enough to take the plunge.

My 69mm baby and me

2005-09-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

Life doesn't get better after an extended MC. It just gets worse. It's as if battling the flu germs is a crime and not being able to do anything for 4 days is a luxury which one should be punished for after the amulet runs out. So no surprise, I was actually tied up at work over the past week and these 2 days, writing on my blog becomes THE luxury.

I went for my first trimester checkup on Friday, and Friday morning is indeed an eventful but happy one. Firstly, Sweet Pea is officially 69mm now! Yes dish out the calculator and do the math people, my darling has grown more than threefold in 4 weeks! I cannot describe the joy I felt when I saw the lil' one on the ultrascan - he/she seemed happy, moving energetically around in my womb. There was the good ole' leg-kicking, exploratory hand-reaching, and the cutest of all, the left hand was kept near its mouth, in a sweet, reserved kind of way. In a mixture of awe and pride I felt an impulse to want to hold and hug Sweet Pea, and suddenly I cannot wait for my precious baby to join us!

I had signed up to do a full blood test and a test for Down's Syndrome that day. Even though the risk for Down's Syndrome is exponentially higher for preggies who are above the age of 35, it gives me a piece of mind nevertheless. But when it came to our turn to do the test after about an hour's wait, Sweet Pea had gotten playful and had managed to flip itself upside down instead of lying down, the essential position to measure the thickness of his/her neck. On one hand it was funny to see my kid at work, and I can see he/she was enjoying it very much, but it meant another half hour wait for Mommy and Daddy for a re-test. So out of the room we went, and I became this thirsty horse, gulping 2 cups of water to fill up my bladder as a way to have Sweet Pea take a break and lie down.

Except this over-zealous horse filled her bladder too much, and when it was time to do the scan I had to walk 50 metres sheepishly and quickly to the loo to offload "some" of my pee. Yes, it is possible to only pee a certain % and hold in the rest. How I did it Kenneth cannot fathom, but by 10:40am and over an hour and a half later, we were finally ready!

I can make the news official now, but intend to wait till I get my bonus at the end of the month and surprise my boss. Hiak hiak hiak. There is no greater joy that day or any other day for the past 4 weeks, than seeing how my baby is growing well inside me. The morning sickness is still around and the lack of appetite still an issue, but the minute I saw my darling it doesn't seem to matter anymore. So whenever I feel upset from throwing up or feeling nauseous all day, I just have to recall that special moment and it'll be all right.

Mommy loves you, sweetie!

Oh music, oh joy!

2005-09-15T10:50:00.000+08:00

I'm grateful for the ability to listen to music at work. Few people subscribe to the notion that having music in the background enhances powers of concentration and leads to higher productivity at work. Well it happens to work for me - may it be doing excel manipulations, sourcing for information or even writing, music provides me with inspiration, and that essential groove to keep going.

The exception is of course, when it comes to serious book-mugging and drafting a life or death email. Or when your boss is staring at you in the face.

But yes, I'm a spoilt worker - I don't like to be micro-managed, and I can't stand nit-pickers. I'm an adult with superior reasoning powers - as long as I deliver the goods, don't question how I did it but laude the fact that I did it within that miserable 'asap' time frame that always comes with it. Maybe that's why I like my current job to a certain extent - I don't get micro-managed, and I get recognition for delivering the right stuff. It may have been the perfect job if it didn't require an hour's journey from home, but considering that Sweet Pea needs a serene environment, maybe I do have the perfect job now.

I think with time, Sweet Pea will get to enjoy CBP. First there's that wide selection of songs that Mommy listens to everyday, most of it that makes her happy, which in turn, should make Sweet Pea bob along too. He/she'll know of the evergreen ABBA, the undying Elvis, Mommy's jazz and oldies favourites, modern rock bands like Maroon 5 and U2, and the sensory instrumental pieces of Kevin Kern and Jim Brickman even before the birth. There's that wonderful swimming pool on the 8th floor that I'm gonna hit once more as soon as the gynae says ok, and the visual treat of aeroplanes taking to the skies. The languid pace is also welcoming since it complements my current sluggishness. Plus since I'm embarking on 'auntie-dom', it's comforting to know only trees will be passing judgement on my pale and squalor face.

Tomorrow I'll get to see Sweet Pea on the ultrascan again. I wonder how much the sweetie has grown since the last gynae visit weeks ago. Can't wait! :)

---------------------------------------------
I've found the reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you...

I've found the reason to show
A side of me you (wouldn't) know
A reason for all that I do,
And the reason is you...
---------------------------------------------
'The Reason', by Hoobastank

How do you mend this worry-wart?

2005-09-14T15:38:00.000+08:00

It's the flu season again - apart from me, others around me are also falling sick, and in the northern hemisphere Ewil Jan is also in agony. Maybe it's the air-conditioned environment we all work in - an increasing must in the scorching tropics, but we enjoy comfort in exchange for weaker immunity. In fact, all those news reports about increasing dengue infections and the emergence of a more severe strain are hitting the right worry buttons in my brain. Not one to give in to panic easily, nevertheless this is getting to be disturbing, and perhaps is the cause of my morning sickness flare-up once more. After all there is only so much you can psycho yourself when the hormones are running amok inside.

My mother is somewhat of a worrier, and the past 20+ years I have convinced myself that the size of my heart is definitely bigger than hers, if not more robust. She has retorted simply that it's just a matter of time that we (my bro included) begin to walk the parenting path, and she'll be around to see us swallow our bold words so flippantly spewed years ago. Ah such are the uncelebrated parenting rewards! Anyhow being the worry-wart that she is, she is also hardly ever wrong.

So as much as I wish it were otherwise, but I'm showing signs of inheriting her worry-wartness. I worry about getting the flu again, I worry about a spotted mozzie drawing my precious blood and leaving a death ticket, I worry about the Down's Syndrome test I'm going to take for Sweet Pea this friday, I worry that I won't be a good enough mother, and I worry about my inability to chuck my lovely bears and zany giraffe in the cupboard. I worry when Kenneth has to fly overseas for work, and I get upset when I get occasional feelings of isolation - Sweet Pea is still too young to make its presence known, and nobody really understands how it feels at this point in time. So no the radiance hasn't come, nor has the glow descended for me to bask in it. I just try my best to blot out as much as I can, carry on life as normal, and indulge in relaxing activities like music-listening, light-reading, tv and sleep. Oh and practise active mind psychology that sounds a lot like,"I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky..."

How can you stop the rain from falling down, and how do you mend this worry-wart?

2nd Trimester, and especially for Kenneth

2005-09-13T10:26:00.000+08:00

It's Sweet Pea's 3rd month, and beginning of the 2nd Trimester today. Today's posting is especially for you, thanks for being you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
If every drop of water disappeared from the land,
And every drop of ocean, suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing, compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing, compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings, well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside I never get to say
My life would be so empty with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me

If you didn't love me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
*Lyrics and song by Corrinne May

Ehhh..what's up doc?

2005-09-12T10:40:00.000+08:00

I did nothing the past 4 days of medical leave but eat and sleep. During the intermittent hours which I was awake I managed to watch some TV and do some reading, but not without falling asleep again. Runny nose and nagging cough notwithstanding, I was happy to be able to indulge in a few entertaining cartoons on Disney and Cartoon Network and some of Animal Planet during the hours that I was awake. Cartoons have been a huge part of me even as a teenager and adult, for no other genre of TV program or measure is versatile enough to play a myriad of roles in providing relief. It's back to basics for me - a simple solution to address any kind of situation.

Watching a cartoon has been a 'must-have' since I was a kid, and I recall the luxury of being able to watch cartoons first thing on Sunday mornings over breakfast. I could get up bright and early at 8am just to catch the first installment of cartoons, and feel good about the rest of the day. As an adult, I watch them as and when I need a source of stress-relief, or when I'm feeling tired and need a perk-me-up, or when I'm bored and need some form of entertainment. And yes, all the more so for that much needed endorphin-boost when I feel crappy from a flu.

We all grew up with Disney - the triumph of good vs evil in moral-laden stories such as snow white, sleeping beauty and the works, but nothing appeals to me more than the madcap cartoons of Merrie Melodies and Looney Tunes from Warner Bros. These characters are not only loud, but funny, imaginative, boisterous and totally unconventional. Never mind their usual taglines - their wacky personality more than makes up for it. It's hard to say that exposure to them did not help shape my own (warped?) personality, but undeniably, I'm a happier camper because of them.

Kids nowadays have more varied choices of cartoons - we never had a dedicated channel of pure cartoons with little or no adverts in between in the past. Disney now owns its own channel, and all other cartoons ranging from the totally outrageous ones to the sugary, saccharines can be found round the clock. I wonder what'll eventually appeal to Sweet Pea - will he/she favour sweet ole' Elmo types, or cranky Oscar the Grouch, greedy Cookie Monster or the classy Count? Will he/she turn out to be as sane as Daddy, or a bit rojak like me? With a live-talking 4 year-old grey bear and 1 year-old giraffe at home complaining about the weather, I'm not so sure...

Mommy's not well...again

2005-09-06T09:28:00.000+08:00

It's off to the GP once more, as flu bug has successfully entrenched itself and started creating havoc as early as Sunday with a nasty sore throat. Matters came to a climax yesterday as I sneezed at every possible opportunity in the office, in a fashion that could've come out from a scene in an epidemic movie. No more nasal sprays from the coast of France this time. It's actual medicine, but medicine that wouldn't harm Sweet Pea.

I, on the other hand, am real worried for Sweet Pea. I haven't been eating much and eating that well, even drinking enough water of late. The morning sickness seems to be worse these past week or so, and the only food I can happily take without feeling sick are fruits, of which too much of it can undermine the baby's natural body resistance. I have been a bad mommy - I shouldn't be putting my baby's health at risk just so that I can feel better! I have failed the first test! And now the poor thing has to put up with the flu germs! Maybe the kid's rebelling through my increased spews.

As much as I want to be strong, I have to say I hate the feeling of being doubly sick and for so long. I hate feeling so weak and helpless, and I hate being subjected to confidence lapses that it becomes a struggle to stay positive. Is it just me being such a whooze? How am I ever going to be a good mother like that? HOW?!

I'll go confront the daddy now.

My first shopping trip in 2 months

2005-09-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

(This is a back-dated post as I was busy spreading the flu virus at work yesterday and typing in 200 subsidiaries for 20 listed companies)

*sneeze*
Sunday was a happy day. I got a nice lunch treat from a close friend's family, and managed to shop for 3 items in record time, considering my recent track records of standing vs sitting. I first went to a shop called Bloomingchic at Delfi Orchard, and emerged 15 minutes later with 2 pairs of drawstrings pants with killer cuts! The hubby happily endorsed it as good stuff. They have nice tops to go along as well, but I thought that could wait since wearing one of them made me look absolutely like a E-cup breasted mushroom. The colour was nice though.

There are so many maternity wear shops in Singapore promising stylish wear, I'm actually tempted to visit every one of them. Indeed Preggy fashion has never been so chic. Seriously, I saw sexy halter-neck tops in that shop that would wow anybody on the street, not only with its price tag but with the colour and design. Imported clothing they are, according to the friendly sales staff at Bloomingchic. Well since I only have a pants crisis and not a top crisis as yet, it can definitely wait. Maybe there'll be a sale! Yes you can take the preggy out of a sale because she's starting to tire, but never a sale out of a preggy.

My second stop was cotton panties. Lauded for their comfort and ultra-stretchability, it's just a matter of time I need to change my satin non-VPL ones to cotton grandma types. Except one costs $15 from a triumph counter in departmental stores. Never mind I'll just try one, but made mental note to visit Chinese departmental store in Chinatown for 3-for-$10 bargains. Seriously either cotton has a new improved strain, or unbelievable inflation rates since the 1980's.

The last stop was for bra extensions. Yes people, there are such things as bra extensions! Not for cup size unfortunately (I know at least one person whose hopes I've dashed) but extensions to the bra length. For some reason my bras feel tighter now and a tad bit too uncomfortable. So as a temporary solution before I start upgrading my cup size it is to artificially lengthen them slightly so that I can breathe better.

After that my stamina gave out, and we headed home, strangely fulfilled. I'm happy to announce I have a week's supply of wearable pants now. Yippee.

Pigs will fly before I get to

2005-09-02T09:32:00.000+08:00

I had a great birthday celebration with my family yesterday. There was a generous amount of home-cooked food, layered with yummy chocolate ice cream cake and sprinkled with lots of family warmth. Although I was whinging about how much better I looked during my 21st birthday 6 years ago, the feeling is so much more special now than then. Heartfelt thanks to them for making it so wonderful! I have a new addition to my stuffed toy collection, a cute little female sunshine bear named 'Twinkle Tot' whom Ken thinks is very representative of me. The family is indeed expanding nicely. :)

I'm listening to Abba's 'Dancing Queen' this morning and thinking of how everyone's nicely 'dancing' off to somewhere else except me.

Here's the check-in list:

My ex-colleague a.k.a Ewil Jan has left for HK
Kenneth flying off to Ireland
Sis-in-law and parents in law flying off to London.
Other sis-in-law flying to Jakarta
Good friend Stella flying to New York
Other colleague soon to be ex- flying home to Sri Lanka

Somebody, put me on a plane this instant! I want to go to Greece, I want to go to Italy, I want to visit my old haunts in HK, and Bora Bora too! I want to fly to Belgium again and be mesmerized by chocolate; I want to fly to Japan and slurp a delicious bowl of ramen; I want to fly to Seoul to shop all day and eat shabu shabu again!

But nooooo...all these will have to wait. Plus, I'm in no shape to travel anyway. I first need to find pants that and be zipped up, lengthy bra-extensions, fly first class so that I can stretch my legs, carry a big bag of food and fruit since I probably can't eat anything else on the plane, and the energy to hang out for at least an hour. Think it's cheaper and less troublesome to transport a cow across the world than to fly me anywhere. At least the cow could take flu medicine.

Actually if not for my job change, we could've travelled quite a bit last year and this year. But as things would have it, we couldn't. But I didn't always have the travel bug. Last year I was happy just to relax at home, soak up the revelry of married life, and was planning on flying off sometime end of this year for a second honeymoon getaway. Well, well, well.

At least I get to watch planes fly everyday...

Happy birthday, preggie!

2005-09-01T09:47:00.000+08:00

Today marks my 27th year of life, 27!! Every item in my house seems to be rejoicing this morning, including my stuffed toys. Me? I just feel sleepy and flu-ey, as I did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that...

This year must be the most comatose and morose birthday I've ever had. Waking up sniffing to bottoms that no longer fit, dull jet-black hair and an eye-ring laden face, people might just think I'm on dope. To put things into perspective, a glance at my birthday polaroids taken last year placed so strategically on my fridge door serves to remind me of my glorious days past. I've lost it - every piece of clothing on me now just screams 'Auntie!' and I'm seriously bogged by lethargy to put makeup on my face unless I'm heading to town or meeting unsuspecting extended family. As positive as I am now, there's a part of me that understandingly, feels upset.

What perked me up were the well-wishing smses I received... at least I'm still the same ole' Maril in their eyes, dowdy-looking or not. But I've become increasingly anti-social as well. A call is good enough, no need to meet up. Gone are the days when I would pack my schedule a week in advance. Now I just hide behind my laptop, typing emails, and typing blogs as a way to communicate with those that matter. 'Just have to give it some time', I tell myself. In another year's time I'll have more polaroids on the fridge door, of us once more with the Rive chocolate cake and my armful of stuffed toys, plus the additional bubbly kid. I'll be radiant once more, and would never have been more happy and fulfilled.

Now that's a real birthday wish!

Happy birthday, preggie!

Today is the last day of beautiful August...

2005-08-31T14:12:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of beautiful August. The LONGEST August I've ever had in my life. At last it's almost over.

I feel increasingly doofusy these days. I can't recall where I put my container of folic acid tablets this morning, I thought the bus service was going to stop wef tomorrow and nicely panicked, and I seriously have nothing much in my brain except when I can nicely head off to bed. My mind seems to be in limbo, and time doesn't seem to matter anymore - no sense of urgency about things to come, and time is the same either now or then. But of late I tend to dream bits and pieces of the past, may it be at school or at home. And the funny thing is, while memories have always been a source of comfort, for some reason now they make me sad.

There was this day when I was lightly dozing in the evening. I closed my eyes and somehow my mind miraculously shut out all the noises in the background until everything was a blank. The next thing I knew familiar images started taking shape. As my eyes remained closed I started to see a clear image of myself walking along the corridor of my old HDB flat towards my nanny's place. It was like stepping into a time warp, for when I stepped into her apartment it felt so real, and everything was as if it were just as I left it more than 10 years ago. I didn't think I could recall every single minute detail, but I did, right down to the items under her queen-sized bed where I used to love hiding during silly hide-and-seek games. But I do remember the last thing I did before I left then, was to run my hand across every single item, across every part of the place, in a desperate attempt to take with me as much as I could, the feel and memories of the place I practically grew up in. I ended up tearing because I miss it so much, because it was so perfect, and because there is just no way I can share it with anyone else. I used to tell my nanny then that one day when I grow up and have lots of money I'll buy it back just for her, but hah I don't have the money, and even if I do I cannot recapture the past for myself nor for my children. It just wouldn't be possible, and it wouldn't be the same anyhow.

How does one ever shed the emotions of a child, to assume those of a protector? How does one come to terms with having only memories to indulge in what was once a wonderful experience? How does one create the perfect childhood for another when it's impossible to share those memories and what was once perfect for me, is no longer present?

Today is the last day of a beautiful August.

Sick momma...

2005-08-30T10:48:00.000+08:00

Been sneezing my head off this morning, and so I decided to stay and work from home. It's so good to work from home!! Given my kind of job, working at home would provide the best balance between work commitments and housework. At least now I can just take a few steps to the toilet to spew, burp as and when I feel like it and not worry about my clothes being tighter and hence more uncomfortable. And I'm actually more productive when given the opportunity to be able to multi-task.

Most importantly, I can nap easier when I feel like I need one, and best of all, a break from disgusting CBP food for lunch! Yay.

Am sure Sweet Pea agrees with me wholeheartedly. We're happy!!

Kiddo-phobia

2005-08-29T10:44:00.000+08:00

It's a new week again, and almost Week 10 for Sweet Pea. Last night I got round to thinking about change, and suddenly I got hit with a bout of paranoia that came with the realisation just how immense this one can potentially be. What if we can't cope with the baby? What if I can't adapt to the new lifestyle? What if there's no one capable enough around to help? Will I get depressed? Will I love the child without any resentment whatsoever? It was choking, and difficult to breathe.

Guru Kenneth's response - "We'll find a way to cope no matter what." But I felt hardly assured really.

I know of couples or individuals who have either sworn off ever having children, or get really edgy when the topic comes up. Conceded, the lifelong responsibilities of raising children can sometimes be so overwhelming, it triggers a big fear inherent particularly in our generation - the loss of freedom. While an 'independence' champion such as I can identify with it, I also know the thought of not ever having a child of our own seems like a choice I would end up regretting in the end. I'm already started to think of opportunities we could provide for them, and the approach in which we should be raising them. Perhaps what I selfishly yearn for in 30 years to come, is the sense of accomplishment that we've tried our best and that they can well in turn pass it on. That I've come to realise, is the recognition I really want to earn in my life.

And it'll be really gratifying if one of them ends up being a doctor, and another plays me one of my favourite piano pieces... but yes, let me get over the phobia first.

To believe or not to believe..that is the question

2005-08-26T09:48:00.000+08:00

We all grew up with myths, but pregnancy myths remains one of the more taboo ones around. Maybe it's because it's really no walk in the park carrying a foetus till full term, and with the emotional bond established from the day i started as an embryo, it's better to err on the side of caution. While some stem from simple practicalities e.g. Expectant mothers should not move heavy stuff around nor climb up anything, there are some which are just dubious, even freaky when proven true. Lots of websites out there with a full comprehensive list, but I'm just gonna share with you 3 of my most relevant myths.

Myth 1. Look at pretty beings so that your baby will turn out beautiful, and vice versa

For those who have not met my husband Kenneth, the most distinctive feature he has, are his thick bushy eyebrows, which lends tremendous weight to his already intense gaze. While I find that very attractive compared to others, it is disturbing to know it may be attributed to my MIL's adoration of Bert from Sesame Street before he was born.

Implications:

No playing with stuffed toys - this is actually painful because I'm very attached to a grey bear and a giraffe with a huge nose. Yes I'm 27 this year.
No watching of Sci-fi movies with weird looking aliens in them. I actually feel weird when I was watching a Farscape movie.
No watching of cartoons on cable - why even Mickey Mouse could be potentially dangerous.

Myth 2. If you have bad morning sickness, it's likely to be a girl, else it's a boy

This one I've heard a lot. Another version is if you're very active, up and about it's likely to be a boy and if you're feeling like a slug most of the time it's a girl.

Implications:

What if you have evening sickness instead and you feel somewhat like a slug but yet not exactly?
I think it's a boy, though Kenneth thinks it's a girl. No there's only one foetus, people.
I just pray it's a healthy and smart child!

Myth 3. Do not eat anything too "cooling", else it could affect the baby adversely.
This seems to run contrary to Dr C's "you can eat anything" mantra, but certain foods have been deemed as "cooling" and therefore should be avoided especially during the first trimester.

Implications:

My fruit choices have effectively reduced by half. Those on the knock-list (starfruits, honeydew, water chestnuts, fragrant pears, pineapples, mangosteens, soursop, with watermelons and bananas a strong "maybe")
Apparently cold stuff, is also like cooling stuff (according to my mother). To be added to the list - ice cream, iced drinks, cold desserts like cheng ting, iced kacang...)

It seems like being pregnant involves a lot of 'no-go's. No wonder the general advice is "to be mentally prepared". You don't say...

My customised army rations field pack!

2005-08-25T10:02:00.000+08:00

It's results reporting season, so late nights are quite the norm once again. Stayed back a bit last night, and probably will do so too tonight, and early next week as well.

Changi Business Park (CBP) is serene in the daytime, and downright sad in the night. With little or no nearby amenities and the canteen closing by 5pm, those who work late or during the nightshift either bring their own food to be heated up in the microwave, or go hungry. I doubt even that Macdonalds would want to deliver to a place such as this.

Sweet Pea was very understanding last night. I only realised that I didn't retch as I normally would at evenings when I got home. Perhaps it was the endless stream of food I ensured the poor kid had access to, to make up for a lack of attention. I guess I tend to be so focused at work, I switch off to everything else. Nevertheless my desk drawer is even more well-stocked now, since it's no longer just preventing my gastric from flaring up when i work past dinnertime but also to feed the child that's growing rapidly within me.

Here's what I have:

1) Packet drinks - 3 in 1 Milo, Nestum, Herbal tea, Ginger tea. Other beverages include honey and Vitamin C tablets
2) Individually wrapped biscuits - Khong Guan dry crackers, Khong Guan lemon puffs, Jacob's Oatmeal, Luxury brand salted crackers
3) Myojo cup noodles (though Nissin tastes much better)
4) Sweets - Ribena Vitamin C, sng muay

In my handbag, these are the new essentials:

1) Medicated oil - In case I feel faint
2) A survival food pack - consisting of Khong Guan dry crackers, lemon puffs, chocolate crackers, sng muay
3) Plastic bags - lots of them. I even have one stashed in my wallet in case I only have that with me

Maybe I should pack maggi's quick to cook porridge and see if the microwave oven can cook it at work.

Anyhow, I think my baby will not like biscuits very much in future when born. Somehow I have a sneaky suspicion that he/she will be a Chinese baby that might look a bit Eurasian (thanks to 'hamsome' Daddy Kenneth) and craves for Indian food. From me? Hopefully an adventurous streak to try out and develop an appreciation for all sorts of food there is out there. As what my parents once hoped for me when I was young, I hope he/she will never have to worry about having no good food to eat! :)