Here with me

It's friday again... thankfully I feel well enough today to put on some makeup on my otherwise pale squalor face. I'm actually starting to feel the beginnings of 'Auntie-dom', and cruel comparisons to photos taken as recent as 2-3 years ago just makes it seem like I've aged 10 years overnight. Maybe it's the weight of knowing what a responsibility it is to create life, and the fear that I can never do enough to nurture it to its fullest potential.

Thinking of heading to a movie tonight. Haven't been doing my usual 'thing' for many weeks now. Shopping, movie-going, coffee hangouts, the once in a while beach hangout... yes even Thursday nights out seem like ages past. What is at the forefront now is,"Oh i'm so tired", followed by "Oh I feel sick", and "Oh it's the gynae's appointment tomorrow". Even the compelling need to be organized and neat has taken a back seat. As long as my bum touches a soft seat I am seriously content.

This is truly the circle of life - getting smaller. You start out with seemingly everyone in the world as a friend, healthy accumulations from about 15 years of schooling (if you're lucky to still stay in touch with those from Pri school) and maybe 2-3 years of colleagues and associates. Every night there is a hangout involving someone you know at some chic place, and heading home only at 11pm earliest after supper only to get up at 7am the next day isn't a problem at all. It's a fulfilling life. Friends, family, a decent job, some bills...life just can't get any better.

Then some guy comes along and grabs your hand. Overnight, life is not only fulfilling but has meaning. Hangouts become romantic haunts, and heading home only at 12am earliest after an extended session of holding hands only to get up at 7am the next day isn't a problem at all. Chic places are still cool Mon - Thur. Now life really can't get any better. A great boyfriend, some friends, family, a decent job, subsidised bills!

Eventually he pops the question, and some commitment-phobic people struggle a bit over the decision. Next thing you know you're running around like a mad chicken trying to get everything in order so that you get the special wedding you've always imagined but never wanted to admit, and a mortgaged property that wipes out your CPF ordinary account in an instant. Oh yes, there's that 30-year HDB loan too, but it's a property to call your own. Hangouts kakis become reno contractors and furniture shop owners, and heading home only at 12am earliest after an extended day of price haggling and quality-picking only to get up at 7am the next day isn't a problem at all. Chic places can wait. Now life gets exciting. A bride-to-be, excited friends, family, a decent job, increasing bills, short deadlines, cut-throat reno contractors... life can't get busier than this!

The celebratory party came and went, and an overwhelming fatigue overcomes you. You need a long long rest, and to get used to waking up next to the ex-boyfriend now husband among other things. You struggle with a possible erosion of personal identity - "call me Ms Tan, Mrs Seow if you want me to erase your phone number for ever" - and a new routine. Hangouts kakis become your parents because you know they miss you so much, and heading home at 9pm latest after a day of work only to face mounting housework and get up at 7am the next day is the right thing to do. Chic places and romantic haunts are reserved for special occasions because "Darling, there's no place better than home". Now life gets a new groove. A loving husband, some close friends, family, a decent job, increasing bills, never-ending laundry...how did mum do it?!

Now I have absolutely no life outside of work because come evenings after work my 'morning sickness' acts up (kid's on US time). Hangouts kakis become your parents because no one else has the energy and love to cook nutritious food for you and sweet pea, and heading home at 6pm latest after a day of work only to get as much rest as possible and get up at 7am the next day is the sensible thing to do. Now you lead a double life - the remaining pathetic shreds of your own, in preparation for the new. A supportive husband, some close friends, family, a decent job, increasing bills, never-ending laundry, periodic nausea and perpetual fatigue...how did all those women out there do it?! Where did all the old days go???

So my life has stepped through the stages of fulfillment, meaning, excitement and now a sense of purpose. What a ride! Be mentally prepared, is all they say....for they know someday the music and fun will give way to worthy sacrifices.

TGIF!